*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 2, 2013

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.

— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) August 30, 2014

if real women had the same proportions as Barbie, they'd be 11.5" tall

— Baby Bear (@B4BY_B34R) June 26, 2015

Today in passive-aggressive book titles. pic.twitter.com/WVYONqlQ1z

— Lisa McInerney (@SwearyLady) February 2, 2016

if i ever feel guilty about taking a nap, i just think "hey, Jesus took a nap when his boat was sinking, i'm only avoiding responsibilities"

— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) February 3, 2016

'Dad, ever heard of the group 'U2'?…not YouTube, U2? The letter 'U', and the number '2'. Evidently they're a pretty big deal.'
-my son

— happy mishkas (@ForestRowell) February 4, 2016

Ever wondered why the American bald eagle is always photographed from the side: pic.twitter.com/qL2fJnXIYp

— Mind Blowing (@TheMindBlowing) February 4, 2016

Hesh (5 years old) thinks koala bears are called granola bars and it's the cutest thing that's ever happened

— Jessica ♜ (@ohjesly) February 5, 2016

Treat others the way you want to be treated.
*Ignores everyone forever but occasionally give them food*

— Yael (@elle91) February 6, 2016

People talk about Cam Newton celebrating too much after touchdowns like they dont post 36 Facebook pics every time they make a potato salad.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) February 7, 2016

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 8, 2016