The jerk store called. They forgive you. They love you. They just want you to come home.

— no-ben™-ber (@benicus_rex) January 30, 2016

JIM: I've got an idea. Let's call this place "Jimadelphia"

[PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]

— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 3, 2015

Peyton Manning is the first QB to win a Super Bowl with a baby horse team and also a grown up horse team https://t.co/mVNOP2QNWO

— shower thot bot (@showerthotbot) February 8, 2016

I've been called a lot of things in my life, but nothing worse than being called on the phone.

— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) February 8, 2016

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

— shauna (@goldengateblond) February 8, 2016

Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he's for

— fro vo (@fro_vo) January 6, 2016

please enjoy this fox confused why sheets isn't snow pic.twitter.com/eUtoS8H5sQ

— Owen ⚡️ (@ow) February 10, 2016

I was watching Food Network while hungry pic.twitter.com/t9f27xMmLy

— Abby Howard (@AbbyHoward) February 11, 2016

@taylorswift13 it is time to unforgive kanye

— elan gale (@theyearofelan) February 11, 2016

😍😍😍 Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! pic.twitter.com/Lmvso7N1Os

— Alyssa Cole (@AlyssaColeLit) February 14, 2016

she wears short skirts I wear waistcoats she’s cheer captain and I’m alexander hamilton, my name is alexander hamilton, and there’s a millio

— mom (@milkofbitch) January 1, 2016

For Valentine's Day I want to give my friends the gift of believing in themselves as much as I believe in them. ❤️❤️❤️

— Emily Maynard (@emelina) February 14, 2016

glasses https://t.co/rvnJBbg7VS

— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) February 15, 2016

presidents day is just a holiday created by "Big President" to get us to buy more presidents

— fro vo (@fro_vo) February 16, 2015