The jerk store called. They forgive you. They love you. They just want you to come home.
— no-ben™-ber (@benicus_rex) January 30, 2016
JIM: I've got an idea. Let's call this place "Jimadelphia"
[PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 3, 2015
Peyton Manning is the first QB to win a Super Bowl with a baby horse team and also a grown up horse team https://t.co/mVNOP2QNWO
— shower thot bot (@showerthotbot) February 8, 2016
I've been called a lot of things in my life, but nothing worse than being called on the phone.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) February 8, 2016
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) February 8, 2016
Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he's for
— fro vo (@fro_vo) January 6, 2016
please enjoy this fox confused why sheets isn't snow pic.twitter.com/eUtoS8H5sQ
— Owen ⚡️ (@ow) February 10, 2016
I was watching Food Network while hungry pic.twitter.com/t9f27xMmLy
— Abby Howard (@AbbyHoward) February 11, 2016
😍😍😍 Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! pic.twitter.com/Lmvso7N1Os
— Alyssa Cole (@AlyssaColeLit) February 14, 2016
she wears short skirts I wear waistcoats she’s cheer captain and I’m alexander hamilton, my name is alexander hamilton, and there’s a millio
— mom (@milkofbitch) January 1, 2016
For Valentine's Day I want to give my friends the gift of believing in themselves as much as I believe in them. ❤️❤️❤️
— Emily Maynard (@emelina) February 14, 2016
presidents day is just a holiday created by "Big President" to get us to buy more presidents
— fro vo (@fro_vo) February 16, 2015
Are you on twitter? follow me @keenertaylor!