Every time I try to write about Mom’s dementia, I just can’t do it. It’s part of why I stopped posting on my last blog – when things with her got bad, I would try to write about it, I would struggle to find the words, and I would decide that I didn’t want to share about it after all. Because it sucks! Today, I spent an hour helping her pack for her & Dad’s next work trip. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it is always difficult to watch her struggle so much with basic tasks & decisions.
There’s a very strange conflict of feelings when it comes to spending time with my mom. I want to spend as much time with her as I can, but it’s so difficult. I almost always have myself a big cry after spending time with her. For my emotional health, I have to find ways to distract myself from what’s going on, because If I dwell on it all the time, I get depressed and I don’t function very well. But I don’t want to ignore my mother.. I love her so much. That’s why this is so hard, I guess. There’s a lot of guilt wrapped up with it, and I hate that. There’s also a lot of bitterness. She is 55! She should not be dealing with this! Sometimes I get so mad when I think about all the vibrant, intelligent, middle aged (and older) women in the world. It’s not fair. I was supposed to have another twenty years of relationship & parental help from my Mom! Now I’m praying that we have twenty years, in which I’ll have to help her. Even typing that makes my heart ache and I can’t help but cry.
Geez, I didn’t mean to make this post so depressing. I wish I knew how to end on an uplifting note, but in this moment, I don’t know how to do that.
I will say, I did have a nice time coloring with her today. It’s really good to see her be creative.. that’s always been such a big part of her personality, so the fact that she can still enjoy it in this small way, is an encouragement. Also, I really love these photos of mom. I thank God that she is happy.
If you think about it, please pray for my parents. Mom had a rough week with sickness, and it’s exacerbating her dementia symptoms. I haven’t even touched on what my Dad is going through as her caregiver, but right now he’s completely overwhelmed with work & helping her. So yeah.. keep them both in your prayers.