BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
"Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 20, 2014

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015

Wonder what my high school bf is up to…

(unspools Legolas poster)

Oh wow he's still doing archery that's cool

— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) November 12, 2015

Someone introduce Yeezy to my boy Dave Ramsey.

— Rusty Clanton (@rustyclanton) February 16, 2016

When u not tryna get involved in an argument but still go out ya way to be nosy pic.twitter.com/S18otV4AsM

— Victor Pope Jr (@VictorPopeJr) February 21, 2016

🙅
omg this emoji is the alive version of the skull and crossbones symbol

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 21, 2016

sometimes you are finished running errands because you complete them all.
sometimes you are finished bc ugh too many people in the world bye

— emHERy lord (@emerylord) February 21, 2016

Brian brought over 7 girls scout cookies for us to share. An odd number. What does he want, a battle to the death? Also he likes Samoas now.

— Kirby Darden (@kirby_darden) February 22, 2016

Mom sees shirt in store: "It says 'Turning Up Is My Cardio.' That's dumb. Turning up what?… The TV I assume." 😂😂😂

— Amy Bonham (@Messy_Sister) February 22, 2016