Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what's wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don't panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
— RIB (@rockymomax) January 19, 2016
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 20, 2015
I just plucked one of Mark's eyebrow hairs out & he said "don't ever do that again as long as we both shall live"
i'm dying 😂😂😂
— Katie Davis (@katiedavis26) February 28, 2016
Having a chronic condition is like dealing with predatory lender: "Okay, I'll let you do errands today, but I'm going to take your tomorrow"
— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) March 1, 2016
2016: Trump won't win.
2017: President Trump can't do that, can he?
2018: You watching The Hunger Games tonight? I hope my District wins.
— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) March 2, 2016
Writes out political tweet. Too many characters. "…probably for the best." *deletes tweet*
— Hannah (@hiimhannahh) March 2, 2016
How bored is dog? Dog is so bored. Dog will tell all morning how bored dog is because dog is bored. Do you know dog is bored? Is bored.
— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) March 7, 2016
Are you on twitter? Follow me @keenertaylor!