a puffin is what happens when a penguin kirby-inhales a toucan to acquire its powers
— ☭⛧#ImWithBirds⛧☭ (@Twinklecrepe) December 16, 2011
How did people wash dishes before podcasts
— Evangelical Hipster (@evnglcalhipster) March 8, 2016
When nobody contacts me all day:
Everybody hates me I will die alone
When someone contacts me:
This is all very overwhelming— Yael (@elle91) December 7, 2015
My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman.
Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine.
— Ben (@0point5twins) June 16, 2014
[Some guy says flossing is bad]
Me: omg no more flossing
[Reads 100 articles on dangers of diet soda]
Me: Yeah but how do they really know— Yael (@elle91) March 14, 2016
People watching your videos around you. 🙃
— Tessa Violet (@meekakitty) March 16, 2016
Zootopia is part of a forty-year experiment to see if there’s any situation where I’m not attracted to Jason Bateman.
— Rainbow Rowell (@rainbowrowell) March 18, 2016
My favorite costume at #C2E2 so far! pic.twitter.com/M9YJsnBIZl
— Thom Zahler (@thomzahler) March 18, 2016
@iamchrisscott March I'm Not Madness, Actually It's Funny
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) March 19, 2016
The well done skirt steak please. I had a long day of being human. I went to stock market today and did a business pic.twitter.com/UuYiDBpSNX
— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) March 19, 2016
me: hey let's sleep
brain: lol what
me: shh💤
brain: TO-DO LIST!!
me: stop
brain: ok ok sorry
…WAIT. I came up with a hypothetical crisis:— emery lord (@emerylord) March 21, 2016
instead of saying "twitter turns 10 today" say "twitter is now in 5th grade" and it makes so much more sense
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) March 21, 2016
The library I am working from today is having a literary Peeps diorama contest and, well… pic.twitter.com/wYujCVNP5l
— dan sinker (@dansinker) March 21, 2016
