*event happens* but how does this affect Me, the Protagonist of Reality
— (((alex furlin))) (@thefurlinator) April 17, 2014
Sometimes I don't finish a book, but I act like I did, which is the opposite of my interactions with pizza.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 30, 2015
"Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?" I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) May 16, 2015
"ugh theyre just doing it for attention/sympathy, ignore them"
oh ok cool
have u considered giving em some attention and sympathy though
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) March 22, 2016
Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss so we'd know that someone's public affection for Jesus might not be telling the whole story – Mark 12:44
— John Onwuchekwa (@JawnO) March 22, 2016
It's just that showering seems like such a bad use of time when I could be reading or eating cheese.
— Glennon Doyle Melton (@Momastery) March 23, 2016
… my father sent me a @BlimeyCow video as a birthday present?
— Lydia (@thesubliminator) March 23, 2016
I don't like the new Instagram filter. Every picture now just looks like an annoying request to turn notifications on
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) March 28, 2016
[parent teacher conference]
Teacher: Suzie is failing
Me: I see. But how is her content?
Teacher: Her.. what?
Me: How strong is her brand?
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) March 28, 2016