Growing up, my dad never let me beat him at chess. Taught me some important lessons, like "hate chess" and "quit chess forever."

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 17, 2014

hey how's it goin

"not much you"

that's nice

"yeah good talkin to ya"

i will

— fro vo (@fro_vo) January 22, 2015

when someone is looking for something i help by saying "it's gotta be around here somewhere"

— weedchainsaw (@tuckonthis) July 21, 2015

Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.

— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) December 7, 2014

Imposter syndrome 😭 pic.twitter.com/ZeUvV7DztO

— gemma correll (@gemmacorrell) March 30, 2016

me, in respomse to evreybody who makes a joke on april 1: yes, that truly was a fool's joke

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 1, 2016

April Fools' Day is the holiday celebrating people who love jokes but have no idea how they work.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 1, 2016

*NASA Discovers Life on Mars*
Scientist 1: We have to tell people
Scientist 2: Maybe wait til tomorrow
Scientist 1: Oh wow yeah so true

— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) April 1, 2016

april fools is the perfect day for finding out which of your friends are garbage

— Sarah Birch (@sarahcbirch) April 2, 2016

It's a great day to be an avid indoorswoman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge & slaughtered a Pop-Tart.

— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 2, 2016

"You deserve longer lasting avocados" I whisper in the mirror as an act of empowerment

— AmericanDeathRattle (@aWomanUnderThe) April 3, 2016

Cable guy: all done here! Can I just get your autograph before I leave?

Me: stahp! I just make internet videos!

Cable guy: 😐📋

Me: 😬🖊

— Harmony Smith (@heyharmony) April 4, 2016

sometimes I see Aaron Burr as the protagonist, but it's hard to say how much of that has to do with @leslieodomjr's voice

— emHERy lord (@emerylord) April 4, 2016

10 years ago: I hope a stranger doesn't find my online profile
Today: I hope someone I know in real life doesn't find my online profile

— spooky luke (@internetluke) April 5, 2016