Growing up, my dad never let me beat him at chess. Taught me some important lessons, like "hate chess" and "quit chess forever."
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 17, 2014
hey how's it goin
"not much you"
"yeah good talkin to ya"
— fro vo (@fro_vo) January 22, 2015
when someone is looking for something i help by saying "it's gotta be around here somewhere"
— weedchainsaw (@tuckonthis) July 21, 2015
Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) December 7, 2014
me, in respomse to evreybody who makes a joke on april 1: yes, that truly was a fool's joke
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 1, 2016
April Fools' Day is the holiday celebrating people who love jokes but have no idea how they work.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 1, 2016
*NASA Discovers Life on Mars*
Scientist 1: We have to tell people
Scientist 2: Maybe wait til tomorrow
Scientist 1: Oh wow yeah so true
— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) April 1, 2016
april fools is the perfect day for finding out which of your friends are garbage
— Sarah Birch (@sarahcbirch) April 2, 2016
It's a great day to be an avid indoorswoman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge & slaughtered a Pop-Tart.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 2, 2016
"You deserve longer lasting avocados" I whisper in the mirror as an act of empowerment
— AmericanDeathRattle (@aWomanUnderThe) April 3, 2016
Cable guy: all done here! Can I just get your autograph before I leave?
Me: stahp! I just make internet videos!
Cable guy: 😐📋
— Harmony Smith (@heyharmony) April 4, 2016
sometimes I see Aaron Burr as the protagonist, but it's hard to say how much of that has to do with @leslieodomjr's voice
— emHERy lord (@emerylord) April 4, 2016
10 years ago: I hope a stranger doesn't find my online profile
Today: I hope someone I know in real life doesn't find my online profile
— spooky luke (@internetluke) April 5, 2016