I didn't choose the thug life. I chose the vegan lasagna. Let me speak to your manager.

— Charles (@drhappyknuckles) March 29, 2015

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".

— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 3, 2014

In New York City, these are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. pic.twitter.com/X492tYEsLC

— dizzee kipling (@_sophocles_) August 8, 2015

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2016

Oof. Busy day ahead. pic.twitter.com/aW1hT4lF3u

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 12, 2016

What happened to the drug dogs in states where weed was legalized? Did they get transferred? Were they retired early? I'm worried about them

— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) April 12, 2016

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) April 12, 2016

*Brian flawlessly delivers a joke that makes me LOL*
Me: That was a good one, did you make that up?
Brian: No I got it off a Laffy Taffy.

— Kirby Darden (@kirby_darden) April 12, 2016

[interview at Subway]
HIM: any weaknesses?
ME: I do have this thing where I pour a gallon of mayo on every sandwich I make
HIM: you're hired

— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) April 13, 2016

[screams into the abyss]
SOMETIMES THE WRONG GRAMMAR MAKES THE JOKE SOUND BETTER

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 14, 2016

It's so upsetting that Sean Bean only looks like it rhymes.

— Eli Olsberg (@EliOlsberg) April 14, 2016

I never understand people who go places when staying home is an option.

— Ashley Clements (@TheAshleyClem) April 15, 2016

Every minute that goes by means it's one minute closer to breakfast.

— Rusty Clanton (@rustyclanton) April 17, 2016

when you want to shower, but you're not emotionally ready to blow dry your hair

— emery lord (@emerylord) April 18, 2016