I didn't choose the thug life. I chose the vegan lasagna. Let me speak to your manager.
— Charles (@drhappyknuckles) March 29, 2015
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 3, 2014
In New York City, these are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. pic.twitter.com/X492tYEsLC
— dizzee kipling (@_sophocles_) August 8, 2015
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2016
What happened to the drug dogs in states where weed was legalized? Did they get transferred? Were they retired early? I'm worried about them
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) April 12, 2016
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) April 12, 2016
*Brian flawlessly delivers a joke that makes me LOL*
Me: That was a good one, did you make that up?
Brian: No I got it off a Laffy Taffy.
— Kirby Darden (@kirby_darden) April 12, 2016
[interview at Subway]
HIM: any weaknesses?
ME: I do have this thing where I pour a gallon of mayo on every sandwich I make
HIM: you're hired
— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) April 13, 2016
[screams into the abyss]
SOMETIMES THE WRONG GRAMMAR MAKES THE JOKE SOUND BETTER
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 14, 2016
It's so upsetting that Sean Bean only looks like it rhymes.
— Eli Olsberg (@EliOlsberg) April 14, 2016
I never understand people who go places when staying home is an option.
— Ashley Clements (@TheAshleyClem) April 15, 2016
Every minute that goes by means it's one minute closer to breakfast.
— Rusty Clanton (@rustyclanton) April 17, 2016
when you want to shower, but you're not emotionally ready to blow dry your hair
— emery lord (@emerylord) April 18, 2016