WIFE: He cares more about twitter than our financial future
ACCOUNTANT: You should have a 401k account
ME: Right!? My tweets are so good
— Terry F (@daemonic3) April 16, 2016
doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas"
me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) July 13, 2015
All rooms are panic rooms if there is no iPhone charger
— Jeff⚡️ (@JeffSarcastic) June 12, 2015
"Scarecrow, I think I'll miss you most of all. Tin Man, I just feel like we didn't really get a chance to connect. Lion, you're trash."
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) April 4, 2016
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
— Mat (@MatCro) August 6, 2015
I hate cleaning cause it's like you do it and then you have to do it again three days later
— mary kate wiles (@mkwiles) April 19, 2016
When you look at a screenshot from someone else’s phone and panic that your battery is low.
— Rainbow Rowell (@rainbowrowell) April 20, 2016
*Andrew Jackson's descendants scramble to write a Pulitzer-winning hip hop musical*
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 20, 2016
Maybe I'm easy to please, but there have been lots of better things since sliced bread.
— Brad Montague (@thebradmontague) April 20, 2016
OPRAH: *points left* YOU GET A CAR! *points right* YOU GET A CAR! *points at me* Not you. You know why.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) April 23, 2016
"Single and ready to pringle"
-me eating chips in bed
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 23, 2016
The cheapest way to buy packing material is to order a pencil from Amazon
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) April 25, 2016