I love you more than dads love getting to the airport early.

— Aaron (@AaronWaxing) May 2, 2016

keep yr friends close and your enemies SO close they can see your good qualities and become your friends
now everyone's close enough to hug

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) May 2, 2016

i love the met gala because it's nice to see what the Capitol is up to

— elena (@elena_yip) May 2, 2016

Is Tom Hiddleston the same thing as Michael Fassbender?

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 2, 2016

I see a huge gold coin spinning outside my window 9 storeys up, I look out, there's a line of them leading along the windowsills I step out

— village fetish (@botandy) May 3, 2016

I'm thankful for taco emojis, but now I have to set aside time on my calendar whenever I need to find the heart emojis.

— Elizabeth Hyndman (@edhyndman) May 3, 2016

ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.

— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) May 4, 2016

These Star Wars references are starting to sound pretty 4thed.

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 4, 2016

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son's hand and kissed my sister.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 4, 2016

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) May 4, 2016

Hesh (5 yrs) just busted in the room and said "I GET IT. MAY THE FOURTH-CE-TH-CE-TH-SSSSS-TH-CE BE WITH YOU!"

— Jessica ♜ (@ohjesly) May 4, 2016

"I Wanna Dance With Somebody" is the most upbeat song about being lonely and not dancing and nobody loves you.

— Joe Berkowitz (@JoeBerkowitz) May 5, 2016

wife: why is our bathroom sink full of mayonnaise
me: don’t touch that it’s for a meme

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 5, 2016

🎼making my way downtown, stealing cash, scamming fast and I'm jail bound 🎤

— Jasmine Sanders (@JasMoneyRecords) May 6, 2016

🎤 I don't want no scrubs a scrub is a thing that doctors wear at work. 🎤

— Rusty Clanton (@rustyclanton) May 6, 2016

Oh so I'm supposed to post stuff on Facebook? Kinda like Twitter? But why

— oompa loompa (@dude4him_) May 6, 2016

"Shawna, we don't have the budget for—"
"Sssshhh. Ssshh. Listen to the house. FEEL THE HOUSE. Mmmm. Yes."

— Shawna (@Nanalew) May 6, 2016

the "Start Slideshow" button may as well be called the "X Out of This Article" button because that is what i choose every time

— emHERy lord (@emerylord) May 7, 2016

am I overreacting or do I have a valid reason to feel the way I do: a novel by me

— @MOGirlProbs (@MOGirlProbs) May 7, 2016

Getting a caricature drawing of yourself is basically the only time you pay money for someone to brutally own you.

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 7, 2016

DOCTOR: You have high cholesterol.

ME: [to my bowl of fettuccine] I know it was you, Alfredo. You broke my heart.

— REW (@therealeatwood) May 7, 2016

I just said, "Probiotics on fleek!" So "on fleek" is officially over.

— Adria Goetz (@adriamgoetz) May 8, 2016

I have leftovers, but leftovers don't taste nearly as good as wasting money on delivery.

— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) May 8, 2016

how many ppl from nashville does it take to screw in a light bulb? idk but can we reschedule for next week? sorry things are just crazy rn

— Pat Kiloran (@patkiloran) May 9, 2016