When I say "I read an article about that" I mean: I read the title and then assumed what the rest was about based on personal bias

— Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) May 1, 2016

It's not that I mispronounce different words for handbags per se

— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) May 2, 2016

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 2, 2015

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

— Agent Average (@Roweboat13G) January 28, 2014

"STOP TAKING MY HAND" The skywalkers scream in unison

— gemma (@reysridley) December 29, 2015

IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A HOLD ON IT #librarylife

— Anna M (@helgagrace) May 21, 2014

me: im always tired
doctor: do u eat well
m: no
d: do u sleep well
m: no
d: do u exercise
m: no, please stop changing the subject

— goth milf (@themiltron) April 3, 2016

Hey, I just met you…

…and this is crazy…

…but could you tell me your name again because I already forgot

— Matt MacDonald (@Matt_MacDonald) April 23, 2016

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

— Brian C. Thayer (@briancthayer) November 6, 2015

*Tucks shirt in*
"Goodnight, shirt."

— Michael Erhart (@Michael_Erhart) August 7, 2014

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

— lady broseph (@ladybroseph) June 1, 2014

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

— fro vo (@fro_vo) July 23, 2014

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

— Frigged up Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) April 16, 2016

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: "This isn't deodorant."

— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) January 27, 2016

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it's okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 7, 2016

When you can see your reflection in someone's sunglasses and & just think about how beautiful you look the whole time they're talking to you

— Jessica ♜ (@ohjesly) May 10, 2016

what will people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?
what will people do when they find out it's a cruise?https://t.co/QZB5iGuuJU

— Jessamyn Leigh (@gingernifty) May 11, 2016

I returned so many phone calls & emails this morning, my boss is considering taking me out to a working lunch as a reward. (My boss is me.)

— Katie Moest (@katiemoest) May 11, 2016

Anyone looking for a best friend? (asking for a friend)

— Jon Cozart (@JonCozart) May 12, 2016

i think Shern liked it pic.twitter.com/efaOVrhAqb

— jenny hudak (@jennyhudak) May 13, 2016

Death to listicles with one item per page.

— Tessa Violet (@meekakitty) May 14, 2016

You say "crisis," I say "friend filter." Nothing sorts relationships like a bump in the road. Celebrate who stayed. Forgive who didn't.

— Jon Acuff (@JonAcuff) May 14, 2016

me checking email: will return this ASAP but gotta keep working
me emailing someone else: omg it's been 2 hours they hate me

— emHERy lord (@emerylord) May 14, 2016

Someone needs to let @iraglass know about his vocal fry or his career will never get off the ground.

— Julia Barton (@bartona104) May 14, 2016

The mandoline is perhaps the finest piece of kitchen equipment that the bandage industry has ever invented.

— rap game Bodhi Rook (@anildash) May 15, 2016

Ugh, I don't want to throw this food away now. I'll do it later.

NARRATOR: Tupperware!

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 16, 2016

🎵If I die young, bury me in Scranton. Lay me down in a bed of beets🎵

— Abam Droud (@AdamBroud) May 17, 2016