How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

— 🎄SardonicTart™🎄 (@SardonicTart) February 4, 2016

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can't deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

— Jimi Nice Guy Arms (@jimmytorosian) October 22, 2015

Once you go snack, you always go back.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 17, 2016

I don't have all the answers, but I grip my lip balm like a game show buzzer just in case.

— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 18, 2016

when the dory account posts something funny pic.twitter.com/V6Sygy4zKF

— adult humor connoiss (@JoeyPockett) May 19, 2016

beware diet advice that recommends "eating light," for that is most certainly the way you become a black hole

— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 19, 2016

For like four miles I thought a cop car was behind me but it was just a regular car. Had me driving careful and responsible for no reason

— Victor Pope Jr (@VictorPopeJr) May 21, 2016

Why have we named all 5 of our fingers…but only TWO toes?
WHO ARE THESE STRANGERS BETWEEN BIG TOE AND PINKY?!?

— MatPat (@MatPatGT) May 21, 2016

There's gonna be a lot of surprised pastors when they get to heaven & find out alliteration isn't a fruit of the Spirit.

— Unappreciated Pastor (@Rev_Norespect) May 22, 2016

My exes will frequently like my tweets and I get it because there are a lot of plays I would rather read than see live

— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) May 22, 2016

OH MY GOSH AUTOCORRECT STOP CHANGING UNCOMFY TO UNCOMFORTABLE I KNOW WHAT IM ABOUTt

— Hannah (@hiimhannahh) May 23, 2016

When you're trying not to cryhttps://t.co/kcQHbv3zXt

— Princess Anna (@ItsPrincessAnna) May 23, 2016

@BlimeyCow @Messy_Jordan @Messy_Sarah pic.twitter.com/qy6opMmE2g

— Becca Maggie (@Becca_Maggie) May 23, 2016

All click bait is bad, but click bait that you actually want to click on is the worst

— Joe Star Repp (@daJoezenOne) May 24, 2016

The fork surrounds you, binds you, & feeds you…. pic.twitter.com/aiUYTg0GjV

— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) May 24, 2016

When does the "show me less like this" kick in, Twitter???

— Rogue Anthony (@anthonytaylor_) May 24, 2016

"Look: Everything is molecules, okay?" -someone justifying eating off the floor

— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) May 24, 2016

Organizing a bank heist where we all wear the Chewbacca masks. As the tellers fall into hysterics we make away with the cash. DM me for info

— Sage Francis (@SageFrancis) May 24, 2016