Twitter is a magical land where total strangers appreciate your sense of humor that your family shunned you for.
— Moron That (@markste71128147) February 12, 2013
[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that's so kind it's my first day & i'm very nervous
— goth milf (@themiltron) December 28, 2015
my review of the sun:
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) May 25, 2016
People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.
— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) May 25, 2016
Hi,hello, sorry but I won't be coming in to work today my dog is sitting on me and I don't want to tell her to get up
— Chloe Poole (@CoPoole) May 25, 2016
Of course I'm concerned. Politics is a mess. Climate change is real. People are using the word "adult" AS A GERUND
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 26, 2016
Do I have to see Ken Burns Civil War to understand the Captain America one?
— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) May 26, 2016
I drove by the supermarket twice because the first time I mistook it for a birdmarket, and the second time, well you get it
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 27, 2016
Friend: *invites me to a thing*
Me: Yeah sure what time should I get there?
F: Well at 8AM we–
M: Yeah my mom says I can't go.
— Bees? (@Kris10_Kent) May 28, 2016
"who the heck do I follow that retweeted this? Oh, it's a promoted tweet k"
— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) May 29, 2016
bob: I'm making a theatrical production on puns.
bob: yeah, it'll be a musical on words.
bill: wow, you really suck at puns.
— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) May 29, 2016
God bless YOOOOOU crank dat solja boi.
— Rusty Clanton (@rustyclanton) May 30, 2016
Getting ready to go out but deciding not to at the last minute is the new going out.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 30, 2016
*sees people having carefree fun*
"Hello! Can you please explain how you're doing that?"
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) May 30, 2016
belle, start of film: there must be more to life than the same routine everyday
belle, end of film: actualy i loved being trapped in a house
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) May 31, 2016
there was a whole phase in the 60's when tv and film executives were like "what would a woman do if she had MAGIC?"
"um housework probably"
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) May 31, 2016