*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you'ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that's why I whispered it to Alan.

— Agent Average (@Roweboat13G) November 15, 2013

A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!

— Piece (@Piecezilla) April 24, 2015

[Playing Mario Kart]
Her: Wow, you won. It's like you've been practicing
Me: Haha that's funny
[Dog & I exchange glances]

— Gαbby Durαn (@GABBYdaAngSaya) August 24, 2015

"i love u"
"i love u"
"i love u"
"i love u"
"i love u"
"i love u"
– dog at a party, walking up to different strangers

— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) January 9, 2016

"I hope you feel at home, 'cause you just got schooled!"

-A fun exclamation to make when you win against a homeschooler.

— Church Guy (@MrChurchGuy) May 31, 2016

"I never had a group of friends before. I promise that I’ll make y’all proud." #hamilton @Lin_Manuel #Disney pic.twitter.com/CS8b6fs3q8

— DisneyDiary (@DisneyDiary) June 1, 2016

I can't believe so many people are getting so upset about one dead gorilla when snow cone places have been serving tiger's blood for years!

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 1, 2016

If you don't sing along to the Law and Order theme song then who even are you.

— Tessa Violet (@meekakitty) June 1, 2016

CHIEN PO: im never gona catch my breath
YAO: say goodbye to those who knew me
LING: boy was i fool in school for cutting jim
JIM: ya. u were

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 1, 2016

whenever I get bad service at a restaurant, I look at the server very sternly and ask, "have you ever heard of the show, Undercover Boss?"

— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) June 2, 2016

It took me a not-insignificant amount of time to realize he meant "autumn," not "our society's collective undoing." pic.twitter.com/wFisLb1OzT

— Carmen Maria Machado (@carmenmmachado) June 2, 2016

*picks up jar of smuckers*
O THIS IS MY JAM
*gets stuck in trafic*
O ＴＨＩＳ IS MY JAM
*points to frame of my front door*
ｏ ｔｈｉｓ ｉｓ ｍｙ ｊａｍｂ

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 4, 2016

I don't get it when you compliment a dog and their owner says "thank you", like mate, I'm addressing the dog don't make this about you

— Ruby (@rubyetc) June 4, 2016

I don't want to brag, but I have no idea what I am doing.

— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) June 5, 2016

I wonder what's going to kill me first, skin cancer from the times I forget to use sunscreen or the chemicals from the sunscreen.

— Yael (@elle91) June 6, 2016

Ur flaws r not flaws Ex. Today my poor vision convinced me a log on the beach was a dog. That's no flaw. That is dog vision & it's beautiful

— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) June 6, 2016

Someone is coming to clean the house today, and my first thought is man I need clean before they get here or they'll think I'm gross…

— Jordan Maron (@CaptainSparklez) June 6, 2016

By getting paid a ton of money pic.twitter.com/qf4dEseSuX

— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) June 7, 2016