If you try to pronounce "lmao" you sound like a French cat.
— Ⓜ️Mandi at Random (@MandiAtRandom) April 23, 2015
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
— Boyfriend Material ツ (@TheRolo) May 14, 2016
I refuse to believe there is tons of blood and a skeleton inside me. That's just too scary.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) April 29, 2016
There is a trick to folding a fitted sheet, but you have to care first.
— Kim Lockhart (@kimlockhartga) October 17, 2015
[cleaning inside of bbq while kids watch]
"don't tell your mother I didn't know grilled cheese was a sandwhich"
— brent (@murrman5) September 7, 2014
The Ugly Duckling is a stupid-ass story. It's like, "you'll eventually be the best thing: Hot." Find self-worth in other avenues, duckling.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) June 7, 2016
"Oh no, if I do or say that, it might make someone somewhere in the world mad at me!" is a stupid thing I used to think sometimes.
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) June 8, 2016
— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) June 8, 2016
— Katie Davis (@katiedavis26) June 9, 2016
Weeks like this where I have flare-ups of who knows what make me LIVE in that promise of new heaven/new earth/glorified body.
— Savannah Lauren (@Vevy) June 10, 2016
I MAY HAVE JUST CREATED MY LIFE'S GREATEST WORK!! Presenting, Banalexander…. Banamilton…… pic.twitter.com/naiyT6JskO
— E Noodle (@idmangapasta) June 10, 2016
ME: u coming over?
JEFF: can't. I'm busy rn
ME: [to wife] Jeff can't come. He's a busy registered nurse
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) June 11, 2016
My mom is super offended no one is paying money for the stuff she no longer wants. #YardSaleWoes
— Elizabeth Hyndman (@edhyndman) June 11, 2016
How can laughter be contagious AND simultaneously the best medicine?
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) June 13, 2016
LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA IS SO GOOD AT LOOKING IN LOVE WITH EVERYONE
— elena (@elena_yip) June 13, 2016
— Cliff Pickover (@pickover) June 13, 2016
Concentrating so hard on the appropriate eye-contact-to-looking-away ratio that you have no idea what's being said to you
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) June 13, 2016