A Regular Mrs. Bennet

Josh was in New York City for a couple days with Jordan for a video that YouTube invited Blimey Cow to be a part of. They got to do a little sightseeing, eat a little food, unexpectedly meet a friend from twitter – it was a really cool experience for them! They got home today, and I’m wishing that I’d already fulfilled my blogging duties before they got home because I’d rather be hanging out with Josh, haha. But I do have a couple things on my mind.

I wanted to thank everyone for your kind words and condolences. Before sharing about Lulu, I braced myself to receive at least a few insensitive comments or questions. But not one person has reacted with anything but sympathy. I’m truly touched.

Losing Lulu is still a dark cloud over us.. I don’t doubt that it will be for a while.. I got really sick because of all the stress & sadness. I’ve been mostly curled up in bed since Sunday. But today I am feeling a little better. I tidied around the house a little, and I rallied up enough energy to go over to the Taylor’s for dinner tonight, too. It was nice to see everyone after being alone in the house for a few days (I’d made plans while Josh was gone so I wouldn’t be alone the WHOLE time, but I got a migraine right before I was supposed to leave.. yucky timing!).

Oh, I broke my yoga-every-day streak, which I am bummed about. I had gotten all the way up to 50 consecutive days of yoga! Oh well. I’ll get to 50 again.. and beyond 😉

Being so intensely, physically affected by emotional distress makes me feel a little like one of those “hysterical women” from Victorian times that you read about. The women who were prescribed tranquilizers or thrown into mental hospitals for feeling too loudly. We look back on these women with pity because the medical system mismanaged them, but I also think we look back on them with a little bit of judgment, or a sense that they kinda were being silly. Why couldn’t they control their emotions? Obviously, my situation is different because it’s not like I’m wringing my hands and wailing all the way to the mental hospital.

Maybe I identify more with the silly mothers in Jane Austen novels who need their vapors at the smallest little provocation. “How can you tease me so? Have you no compassion for my poor nerves?” This is what I worry I come across as. This is what I worry I am. Why can’t I control my emotions? Why can’t I keep my body from reacting so strongly to stress (or sadness, or excitement)? Am I a drama queen who overreacts? What if I just try harder? HOW do I even begin to try harder? I already focus on being intentionally optimistic and positive, always looking for the bright side, or at least looking for hope. I don’t always find it, but I’ve always felt like the act of looking for it is the important part. I don’t know. I don’t want to have a Crohn’s flare-up every time I get overwhelmed. I don’t want to just be numb, either. I’ve been that. It’s not better. Not even physically.

I didn’t mean for this to become all “The Effects of Emotions In A Woman With Autoimmune Disease, by Kelli Taylor.” Haha. Maybe some of you relate to what I’ve written.. Probably most of you don’t. Maybe it will give you a little insight or compassion for those people in your life who are struggling with their health. Or maybe not. I don’t really have an answer or a conclusion, but I’m gonna go hang out with my husband now. I’ve already taken too much time fleshing out these ideas as it is.. I think he is getting bored waiting on me, haha.

I’m so glad he is home! I missed him a lot!!!

See y’all tomorrow.

10 thoughts on “A Regular Mrs. Bennet

  1. Thank you for sharing, Kelli. I can relate as I often get frustrated by my emotions. I am sure all who know you (and your internet audience as well) recognize you are a mature woman with legitimate struggles.
    I am sorry for your family’s loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t worry Kelly you are not alone. I have a body that doesn’t respond well to anxiety and it is so frustrating! Especially when that stress or anxiety is during/related to something you want to do, like traveling or spending time with people you want to be with. I think what has helped me a lot recently has been reminding myself that my physical state doesn’t have to derail me from enjoying what I’m doing. I used to get really upset and panicked when I would go on a trip with friends and my body would be like TRIP? NOT HOME? NO DIGESTION FOR YOU! I’d get so worried about feeling crappy all day that I let that disctract me and make me emotionally miserable (which often turned into a viscious cycle). I don’t mean try to ignore your pain and muscle your way through but it’s helped me a lot to just take a deep breath and say to myself, ok my body is not feeling good but that doesn’t mean I have to focus on the pain and discomfort. I can still be aware and enjoy the present, whether that means taking a step back and resting or trying to stick to your plans. This turned into a long comment sorry, long story short, I feel you, you’re not alone. 🙂


  3. Kelli, I hear you. I don’t have an autoimmune disease but I do have a bunch of food allergies/sensativities and asthma and occational vertigo. I feel the same way sometimes. I feel like if I say anything about my special diet I’ll be seen as the fussy, picky eater. My vertigo has a mind of its own so I can be fine in the morning and barely able to walk by nightfall.
    You’re right to look for the bright side. God has a perfect purpose for these hard things and all the other ones too. Second Corinthians 12 says Paul had a thorn in his flesh and God let him know, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” I have a friend who has chrones. Her nickname is Lampy because she shines with the grace and joy and love of God. You do too. Keep shining Kelli.


  4. The more research I read about the gut/brain connection the less surprised I am to find out your struggle with both. Maybe it will help you to know that your emotional struggles may not be in addition to your disease but a PART of it. Your honesty, openness, and vulnerability are appreciated and respected. When you feel emotionally weak, remember the strength that vulnerability takes and realize your strengths are perhaps different but are still there.


  5. I think what Jane Austin was critiquing with Mrs. Bennett was not so much that emotions affected her physically but how she used that (whether real or imagined) to manipulate the people around her. Whenever her children did something she disliked or her husband wouldn’t do exactly as she wanted she would suddenly be or claim to be terribly Ill.

    I just re-read persuasion and Anne is Extremely emotional all through that book. Sometimes it does affect her physically but she is never portrayed as ridiculous.

    Anyway, glad you are feeling somewhat better and are reunited with Josh!


  6. I am very blessed not to have any autoimmune issues, but I definitely get the physical struggles of stress and emotions. Last fall I started nursing school and was so overwhelmed that my body reacted with terrible cystic acne and I wouldn’t say I was deppressed but I was very sad and anxious and lonely. Thankfully that was for a season, but i do have days where i cannot control my emotions. Sometimes i just have to cry even if it’s over the smallest thing or even if I am in a public place…I just can’t control it! All that to say I think many of us struggle at times with uncontrolable emotions, although in different ways, and you are not alone! My prayers are with you!


  7. I never thought about how ailing women in the Victorian times were perceived. You are so right, and it is sad.

    I am glad that you talk about Crohn’s. I can’t write posts about hemorrhoids at all because that will gross people out but I do have pains which have caused me to have such flair-ups that I can’t get out of bed with sudden movements that kill me or causes bleeding. So while you have a much more major issue in my opinion, I have had nearly 4 years of problems that I might have to live with the rest of my life as well because I have no health insurance and even if I got surgeries to remove them, they are more than likely to come back which is truly common. Ugh, the bathroom humor I can come up with for myself but now when I hear people joke about “the hems,” I don’t find it funny at all. I have cried in the bathroom some days in pain and it is not funny. I have to make sure my family has all done their stuff because I might be in there for up to an hour. I also have anemia which causes me to be faint on top of it. I hate it because I am normally a very vibrant energetic person.

    My point is, keep on expressing your pains. I don’t mind reading about it.
    It is good that you have such encouraging readers by the way. I am glad that they were supportive of you through your loss of Lulu.

    I am glad that Josh and Jordan had fun in NYC! They seemed to enjoy being there more than I ever have with living so near to it! haha.

    Now go get on that Yoga streak again!!


  8. I can definitely relate to “feeling too loudly!” Sometimes all the feelings just seem too big, even the good ones. Though I hate that you battle this as well, it is a comfort to know I’m not alone. I hope things start to even out for you in the next few days. Much love to you!

    PS: I’m so sorry to hear about Lulu. I hope you’re surrounded by comfort and lots of love as you grieve.


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