Why call it a belly button. It doesn't DO anything when you press it.
*click click click*
*neighbor's garage door slamming up and down*
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) November 3, 2014
*but for like, an hour*
— Mel (@MelKassel) February 6, 2016
Chief cop: "This might be racially motivated."
Ian: "Hate crime?"
Chief cop: "We all hate crime, Ian. That's why we are cops."
— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) April 12, 2016
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful. pic.twitter.com/RboPJgybvM
— Probably Injured (@PeterClayton6) January 8, 2014
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
— fro vo (@fro_vo) May 30, 2015
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
— Joe West (@joejwest) March 2, 2015
LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off
CLARK KENT: no
— tomsauced (@trojansauce) June 14, 2016
what everyone's tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves pic.twitter.com/rw42trOByP
— #SkressedBae (@frickashley) June 14, 2016
me: wow what a nice day. i think it's time i go outside and enjoy my life
depression: hey is this a bad time to talk
— Jhorts (@JhonRules) June 14, 2016
pessimist: its half empty
optimist: its half full
optometrist: you both need glasses
— Burt (@iamburtjarvis) June 15, 2016
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 15, 2016
but why does taylor swift and tom hiddleston feel like a punch in the heart? I like both of them, but…
THERAPIST: aaaand that's our time
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) June 16, 2016
no. you're not listening to me pic.twitter.com/Sr3xdjcCct
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 16, 2016
I'm sorry you have to talk to anyone or wear pants
— laureltron (@laureltron) June 17, 2016
You may remember this outfit from such days as yesterday.
— Ashley Clements (@TheAshleyClem) June 18, 2016
Here's a doggo realizing you can stand in a pool. 13/10 enlightened af (vid by Tina Conrad) pic.twitter.com/7wE9LTEXC4
— WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) June 18, 2016
📚HOW TO READ A BOOK📚
chapter one: turn your phone off ☎️
— sammi harvey (@sammiharveyco) June 19, 2016
— Molly Templeton (@mememolly) June 20, 2016
hey now, whos a good boy, whos a good boy, go play
hey now, ur a good boy, ur a good boy, okay
*high-pitched voice* but ur a dog not a boyyy
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 21, 2016
I'm more of a 'try' athlete.
— Ryan Gosling the 3rd (@SuchaDumbWorld) June 21, 2016