Cat: omg ew ur obsessed with me
— Jillian Gutowitz (@jillboard) January 27, 2016
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) February 16, 2014
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) June 12, 2014
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) October 28, 2013
If I'd made the film it would've been called There Will Be Whimsy & it would've been a musical. Probably would've kept the milkshake though.
— BellatrixLockJohnson (@AddledPixie) June 11, 2016
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 8, 2013
*cop puts parking ticket on my car* Oh come on, the lady at Walgreen's told me to have a great day, what am I gonna tell her now
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 21, 2016
(The words in this tweet have been delivered via Instagram's new algorithm)
— Judson Collier (@JudsonCollier) June 21, 2016
Seafaring language makes me uncomfortable, so no, I would not like a chips ahoy cookie or any other maritime treats, thank you.
— vineyille (@vineyille) June 23, 2016
Tinder, but for platonic friends who will read books with me in coffee shops for hours without talking.
— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) June 23, 2016
It's like Canada is the concerned child watching her aging mother and weirdo big brother descend into chaos, unsure who to worry over first
— Paige (@PaigeKnorr) June 24, 2016
NAVAL COMANDER: it says here u cant be drafted to the navy bc ur eyesight is too poor
ME: i guess u could say i…[takes off glasses] cant sea
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 24, 2016
Harambe: dad why did u give us these names
Brexit: yeah dad why
me: trust me it was hilarious at the time
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 25, 2016
I know what I did last summer (nothing)
— Shawn (@online_shawn) June 25, 2016
[my friend murders someone]
There must be a good explanation
[stranger online says a thing]
U r bad forever, irredeemable in the eyes of God
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) June 27, 2016