Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Cat: hey
Me: what
Cat: omg ew ur obsessed with me

— Jillian Gutowitz (@jillboard) January 27, 2016

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) February 16, 2014

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) June 12, 2014

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) October 28, 2013

If I'd made the film it would've been called There Will Be Whimsy & it would've been a musical. Probably would've kept the milkshake though.

— BellatrixLockJohnson (@AddledPixie) June 11, 2016

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 8, 2013

*cop puts parking ticket on my car* Oh come on, the lady at Walgreen's told me to have a great day, what am I gonna tell her now

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 21, 2016

Instagram
Is
New
Algorithm

!!!
Miserable
Very

(The words in this tweet have been delivered via Instagram's new algorithm)

— Judson Collier (@JudsonCollier) June 21, 2016

Seafaring language makes me uncomfortable, so no, I would not like a chips ahoy cookie or any other maritime treats, thank you.

— vineyille (@vineyille) June 23, 2016

Tinder, but for platonic friends who will read books with me in coffee shops for hours without talking.

— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) June 23, 2016

It's like Canada is the concerned child watching her aging mother and weirdo big brother descend into chaos, unsure who to worry over first

— Paige (@PaigeKnorr) June 24, 2016

NAVAL COMANDER: it says here u cant be drafted to the navy bc ur eyesight is too poor
ME: i guess u could say i…[takes off glasses] cant sea

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 24, 2016

[2026]
Harambe: dad why did u give us these names
Brexit: yeah dad why
me: trust me it was hilarious at the time

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 25, 2016

I know what I did last summer (nothing)

— Shawn (@online_shawn) June 25, 2016

[my friend murders someone]
There must be a good explanation
[stranger online says a thing]
U r bad forever, irredeemable in the eyes of God

— Hippo (@InternetHippo) June 27, 2016

please understand pic.twitter.com/FSFxq7mWqt

— Pucca 林 – CTN T231 (@PuccaNoodles) June 27, 2016