Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it's also a checklist for anyone about to propose
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) November 8, 2013
sorry, I don't have enough emotional bandwidth for you at this time
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) July 10, 2015
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 24, 2015
The ocean isn't shark-infested. It's the ocean. That's where sharks live. We aren't supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.
— Lucas Neff (@RealLucasNeff) October 14, 2014
helo girl are u a firework b/c i only see u maybe 3 times a year & ur very pretty & im scared to get closer to u
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 4, 2013
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) June 27, 2016
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
— Kieron Gillen (@kierongillen) June 28, 2016
My phone just autocorrected "gospel" to "god irl" which is honestly not a bad definition
— Blake Baggott (@blakebaggott) June 29, 2016
My personal motto is, “Do it quickly and incorrectly two times, then do it almost right the third time and call it good."
— Adria Goetz (@adriamgoetz) June 29, 2016
a person who inherited anxiety from their parents has pre-distressed genes.
— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) June 30, 2016
"Facebook Memories" or as I like to call them "What…the heck was that status even about?"
— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) June 30, 2016
You know you live down South when the meteorologist is super excited the humidity level was downgraded from 'oppressive' to 'uncomfortable.'
— Rachel Held Evans (@rachelheldevans) June 30, 2016
If I were Willy Wonka I'd only pick a kid who DID sell the recipe to Slugworth that is capitalism I want a BUSINESSPERSON running my factory
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) June 30, 2016
TSA Pre-Check is definitely the most satisfying way I make myself complicit in a surveillance state.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 1, 2016
1998:
– Don't get in strangers' cars
– Don't meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car— Carol Nichols (@Carols10cents) July 2, 2016
I just have a lot of feelings about Aaron Burr and I don't know what to do with that.
— Sarah Bessey (@sarahbessey) July 2, 2016
Do you ever scroll through Facebook and see someone you used to have a crush on and just think "dodged that bullet"
— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) July 3, 2016
Being your own best friend means ordering extra delivery for when you get hungry later. And not eating it all at once, which is harder.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) July 4, 2016
Happy Amerexit Day!
— Craig Benzine (@wheezywaiter) July 4, 2016
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
Gospel/God irl hahahahahahaha
I was thinking the same thing as the person who said that in 1998 you were told to not meet people on the net and go in their cars and now they have the whole Uber thing going on (my uncle is an Uber driver too). It is weird.
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