Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it's also a checklist for anyone about to propose

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) November 8, 2013

sorry, I don't have enough emotional bandwidth for you at this time

— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) July 10, 2015

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 24, 2015

The ocean isn't shark-infested. It's the ocean. That's where sharks live. We aren't supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.

— Lucas Neff (@RealLucasNeff) October 14, 2014

helo girl are u a firework b/c i only see u maybe 3 times a year & ur very pretty & im scared to get closer to u

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 4, 2013

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) June 27, 2016

I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.

— Kieron Gillen (@kierongillen) June 28, 2016

My phone just autocorrected "gospel" to "god irl" which is honestly not a bad definition

— Blake Baggott (@blakebaggott) June 29, 2016

My personal motto is, “Do it quickly and incorrectly two times, then do it almost right the third time and call it good."

— Adria Goetz (@adriamgoetz) June 29, 2016

a person who inherited anxiety from their parents has pre-distressed genes.

— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) June 30, 2016

"Facebook Memories" or as I like to call them "What…the heck was that status even about?"

— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) June 30, 2016

You know you live down South when the meteorologist is super excited the humidity level was downgraded from 'oppressive' to 'uncomfortable.'

— Rachel Held Evans (@rachelheldevans) June 30, 2016

If I were Willy Wonka I'd only pick a kid who DID sell the recipe to Slugworth that is capitalism I want a BUSINESSPERSON running my factory

— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) June 30, 2016

TSA Pre-Check is definitely the most satisfying way I make myself complicit in a surveillance state.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 1, 2016

1998:
– Don't get in strangers' cars
– Don't meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

— Carol Nichols (@Carols10cents) July 2, 2016

I just have a lot of feelings about Aaron Burr and I don't know what to do with that.

— Sarah Bessey (@sarahbessey) July 2, 2016

Do you ever scroll through Facebook and see someone you used to have a crush on and just think "dodged that bullet"

— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) July 3, 2016

Being your own best friend means ordering extra delivery for when you get hungry later. And not eating it all at once, which is harder.

— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) July 4, 2016

Happy Amerexit Day!

— Craig Benzine (@wheezywaiter) July 4, 2016

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016