Diet Journal
Day 1
4:13 AM: Ate a burger before going to bed. Did not finish all the fries though.
P.S., 4:15 Finished all the fries.— Dark (no)Matter (@thesaltycake) June 26, 2016
In a sometimes-crazy world, never forget that THIS is an astronaut's official NASA portrait pic.twitter.com/Lh1tAxJk2g
— Erin Ruberry (@erinruberry) June 24, 2016
Active voice: I love your blog
Passive voice: Your blog is loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you have time to write a blog
— Shit Academics Say (@AcademicsSay) April 29, 2016
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) March 22, 2016
People complain that Hollywood is unimaginative, but every art museum is like 80% clay jugs, so this is not a new problem.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 2, 2016
Behind the scenes fact: every amazing dramatic performance by an actor in a film was done within arms reach of like 10 people in shorts.
— Joe Gillette (@joegillette) July 5, 2016
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Me: What's the good news?
Doc: You don't have to worry about who the next president's going to be.— Yael (@elle91) July 6, 2016
Twitter removed my tweet for whatever reason but here it is again pic.twitter.com/auuJEmerb5
— Bdell (@Bdell1014) July 7, 2016
Saying "All Lives Matter" is like the Fire Department spraying water on every house on the block when only 1 is on fire.
— Bdell (@Bdell1014) July 7, 2016
no thanks pic.twitter.com/KlhNNztTh9
— Garrett Werner (@gr8whitehoprah) July 8, 2016
Actual quote from police scanner at 4AM: "Looks like everyone is out here playing Pokemon tonight."
— alex fisher (@alexandriiiaf) July 9, 2016
throughout my life no one has ever explained to me what a simile is – i can't tell you what it's been like
— boothby graffoe (@boobygraffoe) July 9, 2016
Serena Williams is playing at the Wimbledon finals and Beyoncé and her husband showed up pic.twitter.com/ybUjIEhrJm
— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) July 9, 2016
Beyoncé just came to support. She don't know a thing about tennis. 😂 https://t.co/am4ZSl3PYZ
— Flo$$. (@FUCCl) July 9, 2016
Facebook: -ding!-
Me: -carefully tries to interpret the message from the first line because I don't want it to say "seen" yet-— Abbie Goulet (@HeyItsAG) July 9, 2016
"You look like casual Ms Frizzle, like on the weekend" — @wittybantha pic.twitter.com/ipREDXnpT0
— Jessamyn Leigh (@gingernifty) July 10, 2016
Teach 'em how to say goodbye… pic.twitter.com/dJ49jUYHlh
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) July 10, 2016
Formula for a Trump tweet, in three steps:
1. Statement of alleged fact.
2. Opinion on alleged fact.
3. Adjective!— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) July 10, 2016
For Chick-fil-A's "Cow Appreciation Day" on Tuesday, I will be going to Five Guys and eating a cheeseburger. Thanks for your meat, cows.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 10, 2016
https://twitter.com/emerylord/status/752245542558785536
https://twitter.com/connahomie/status/752279436435660800
"I think there is a glitch in 2016." – @RWGreer
— Broderick Greer (@BroderickGreer) July 11, 2016
If you can't handle me at my worst, that's fine I'm terrible
— kevin o'shea (@OSheaComputer) July 11, 2016
It took me a few minutes to figure out the gist of that good news and bad news one about the president. . . then I realized that if that was good news then the bad news meant. . . . . ouch. wow.
I don’t understand why twitter would remove that broken bones tweet at all. THat is really sad because it is a clear point!! It makes so much sense.
The simile one made me smile. I have always loved similies and the fact that the person can’t tell me “what it’s been like” – hahahaha.
Aww poor delayed Beyonce.
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Ahahahaha definitely don’t want it to say “seen” before i’m ready
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I love your “tweets of the week” posts. I’m not on Twitter, but I find these hilarious and they brighten my day!
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