Diet Journal
Day 1
4:13 AM: Ate a burger before going to bed. Did not finish all the fries though.
P.S., 4:15 Finished all the fries.

— Dark (no)Matter (@thesaltycake) June 26, 2016

In a sometimes-crazy world, never forget that THIS is an astronaut's official NASA portrait pic.twitter.com/Lh1tAxJk2g

— Erin Ruberry (@erinruberry) June 24, 2016

Active voice: I love your blog

Passive voice: Your blog is loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you have time to write a blog

— Shit Academics Say (@AcademicsSay) April 29, 2016

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) March 22, 2016

People complain that Hollywood is unimaginative, but every art museum is like 80% clay jugs, so this is not a new problem.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 2, 2016

Behind the scenes fact: every amazing dramatic performance by an actor in a film was done within arms reach of like 10 people in shorts.

— Joe Gillette (@joegillette) July 5, 2016

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Me: What's the good news?
Doc: You don't have to worry about who the next president's going to be.

— Yael (@elle91) July 6, 2016

Twitter removed my tweet for whatever reason but here it is again pic.twitter.com/auuJEmerb5

— Bdell (@Bdell1014) July 7, 2016

Saying "All Lives Matter" is like the Fire Department spraying water on every house on the block when only 1 is on fire.

— Bdell (@Bdell1014) July 7, 2016

no thanks pic.twitter.com/KlhNNztTh9

— Garrett Werner (@gr8whitehoprah) July 8, 2016

Actual quote from police scanner at 4AM: "Looks like everyone is out here playing Pokemon tonight."

— alex fisher (@alexandriiiaf) July 9, 2016

throughout my life no one has ever explained to me what a simile is – i can't tell you what it's been like

— boothby graffoe (@boobygraffoe) July 9, 2016

Serena Williams is playing at the Wimbledon finals and Beyoncé and her husband showed up pic.twitter.com/ybUjIEhrJm

— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) July 9, 2016

Beyoncé just came to support. She don't know a thing about tennis. 😂 https://t.co/am4ZSl3PYZ

— Flo$$. (@FUCCl) July 9, 2016

Facebook: -ding!-
Me: -carefully tries to interpret the message from the first line because I don't want it to say "seen" yet-

— Abbie Goulet (@HeyItsAG) July 9, 2016

"You look like casual Ms Frizzle, like on the weekend" — @wittybantha pic.twitter.com/ipREDXnpT0

— Jessamyn Leigh (@gingernifty) July 10, 2016

Teach 'em how to say goodbye… pic.twitter.com/dJ49jUYHlh

— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) July 10, 2016

Formula for a Trump tweet, in three steps:

1. Statement of alleged fact.
2. Opinion on alleged fact.
3. Adjective!

— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) July 10, 2016

For Chick-fil-A's "Cow Appreciation Day" on Tuesday, I will be going to Five Guys and eating a cheeseburger. Thanks for your meat, cows.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 10, 2016

"I think there is a glitch in 2016." – @RWGreer

— Broderick Greer (@BroderickGreer) July 11, 2016

If you can't handle me at my worst, that's fine I'm terrible

— kevin o'shea (@OSheaComputer) July 11, 2016