when u know the solutions to all ur problems but u just don't wanna do em pic.twitter.com/hUTzw5d7tN
— beth (@imteddybless) February 19, 2016
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public
— Veronica Breuer (@BreuerVeronica) March 15, 2016
Guy on the radio just described Shakespeare as "an incredible content provider".
is this a #dagger i see before me? Click here to find out!
— Katie Grant (@kt_grant) April 26, 2016
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
— Jessica Fox (@HelloJessicaFox) April 28, 2016
Lawyer: The only way you get out of here is with model behavior.
Me: Of course.
*Me strutting through prison yard, smiling with my eyes*
— Kendra Gaylord (@kendragaylord) May 20, 2016
Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name – it’s also an extremely short summary of The Bible
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 21, 2014
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it's late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
— Jackman…Forever (@TheAlexP) March 18, 2015
Remember, no one's as happy as they seem on Facebook, as depressed as they seem on Twitter or as insufferable as they seem on Instagram.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 23, 2014
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) December 14, 2015
Good Cop: Here’s a coffee
Bad Cop: Hope you like prison coffee, scumbag
Cat Cop: *knocks coffee cup off table*
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) March 24, 2015
I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THERE IS A DIFFERENT CHEEZ-IT FLAVOR FOR EVERY HUMAN ON THIS DYING PLANET pic.twitter.com/q6BZbwVDQe
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 12, 2016
"Pokemon is for kids, grow up."
"Stop staring at your phone all day."
"Nobody cares about your dumb video games." pic.twitter.com/crV2d9jzqe
— james nielssen (@cool_as_heck) July 14, 2016
I'm 31 and I still don't understand how it can be dark out and hot out at the same time.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 16, 2016
it’s so simple Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston are pretending to be lovers to gain sponsors & so The Capitol doesn’t kill them
— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) July 16, 2016
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants… tiny… got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 17, 2016
God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, courage to change what I can & the wisdom to literally never read the comments
— emHERy lord (@emerylord) July 17, 2016
This is the cutest thing ever:
— Victoria (@VictoriaOB_) July 17, 2016