*runs away from it all*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
— The Tony™ 🦃 (@TweetsByTheTony) November 13, 2015
Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.
— Alex Wyse (@alexwyse) January 31, 2016
Jesus: literally the only rules are be nice and don't murder people
Everyone: let's.. murder this guy
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) July 20, 2016
"I'm returning this book. It was terrible."
"Actually, this is a library. You'd have to return it anyway."
— Lousy Librarian (@LousyLibrarian) July 21, 2016
Have we tried unplugging America then turning it back on?
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) July 22, 2016
RELIENT K IS BACK
— Relient K (@relientK) July 22, 2016
*loyally watches every episode of Girl Meets World*
*complains how awful it is*
*sings & dances along with theme song*
*wants to be Topanga*
— Kirby Darden (@kirby_darden) July 22, 2016
*Facebook shows me a memory from my past* I would like to be excluded from this narrative one which I never asked to be a part of since 2009
— GABY DUNN 🦃 (@gabydunn) July 23, 2016
Why do they call it furrowing your brow instead of making headlines?
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) July 23, 2016
PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS
— Terry F (@daemonic3) July 23, 2016
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I'm going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) July 23, 2016
Why is it ever a thing to make fun of foreign people's English skills, they can literally speak TWO+ languages lol how many can you speak?
— Dinner roll Diamond (@imdiamondmarie) July 23, 2016
A central tension in my life is that I hate when things go wrong, but I love to complain.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 24, 2016
It's amazing how many chores I will do while avoiding making a phone call.
— Marie R. (@eleneariel) July 25, 2016