*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

— The Tony™ 🦃 (@TweetsByTheTony) November 13, 2015

Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.

— Alex Wyse (@alexwyse) January 31, 2016

Jesus: literally the only rules are be nice and don't murder people
Everyone: let's.. murder this guy

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) July 20, 2016

"I'm returning this book. It was terrible."
"Actually, this is a library. You'd have to return it anyway."

— Lousy Librarian (@LousyLibrarian) July 21, 2016

Have we tried unplugging America then turning it back on?

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) July 22, 2016

RELIENT K IS BACK

— Relient K (@relientK) July 22, 2016

*loyally watches every episode of Girl Meets World*
*complains how awful it is*
*sings & dances along with theme song*
*wants to be Topanga*

— Kirby Darden (@kirby_darden) July 22, 2016

*Facebook shows me a memory from my past* I would like to be excluded from this narrative one which I never asked to be a part of since 2009

— GABY DUNN 🦃 (@gabydunn) July 23, 2016

Why do they call it furrowing your brow instead of making headlines?

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) July 23, 2016

PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?

THE MACHINE: I do

PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS

— Terry F (@daemonic3) July 23, 2016

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I'm going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) July 23, 2016

Why is it ever a thing to make fun of foreign people's English skills, they can literally speak TWO+ languages lol how many can you speak?

— Dinner roll Diamond (@imdiamondmarie) July 23, 2016

A central tension in my life is that I hate when things go wrong, but I love to complain.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 24, 2016

It's amazing how many chores I will do while avoiding making a phone call.

— Marie R. (@eleneariel) July 25, 2016