Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE'S ESCAPED

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) April 17, 2015

I know more about Spider-Man's origin than I know about how my parents met.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) February 15, 2016

I like my hands shaken, not stirred

— Nick Vatterott (@nickvatterott) November 7, 2014

if you handed me this and then I discovered it was actually yoghurt, peach and apple they would never find your body pic.twitter.com/cbX0PwncYY

— G (@oneofthosefaces) April 7, 2015

Law & Order SV U can't look away your free time is mine now.

— Tessa Violet (@meekakitty) August 9, 2016

YOU WON'T BELIEVE the amount of time this girl stands in her room thinking about leaving!!!

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 12, 2016

I always wanna go up to ppl's dogs & say "OMG I'm such a huge fan of your work. I've been following it since over there." *points 7 ft away*

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 13, 2016

I think a duet with Ice T and Ice Cube would be quite refreshing.

— PixieMuff (@CherBear162) August 13, 2016

tween (explaining seriously): its called "family" because ur not my "fam" unless "ily."
me (nodding and thinking about a donut) I see.

— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) August 14, 2016

"I have no words." So far you have four.

— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) August 15, 2016

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: …
ME: when u realized that the patriarchy labels YOU as the bad person when u ignore some creepy random dude

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 15, 2016