Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE'S ESCAPED
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) April 17, 2015
I know more about Spider-Man's origin than I know about how my parents met.
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) February 15, 2016
I like my hands shaken, not stirred
— Nick Vatterott (@nickvatterott) November 7, 2014
if you handed me this and then I discovered it was actually yoghurt, peach and apple they would never find your body pic.twitter.com/cbX0PwncYY
— G (@oneofthosefaces) April 7, 2015
Law & Order SV U can't look away your free time is mine now.
— Tessa Violet (@meekakitty) August 9, 2016
YOU WON'T BELIEVE the amount of time this girl stands in her room thinking about leaving!!!
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 12, 2016
I always wanna go up to ppl's dogs & say "OMG I'm such a huge fan of your work. I've been following it since over there." *points 7 ft away*
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 13, 2016
I think a duet with Ice T and Ice Cube would be quite refreshing.
— PixieMuff (@CherBear162) August 13, 2016
tween (explaining seriously): its called "family" because ur not my "fam" unless "ily."
me (nodding and thinking about a donut) I see.
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) August 14, 2016
"I have no words." So far you have four.
— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) August 15, 2016
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: …
ME: when u realized that the patriarchy labels YOU as the bad person when u ignore some creepy random dude
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 15, 2016