Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you're not telling me?
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 29, 2016
It is crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy is it.
— LilRedRiding (@illzme) October 16, 2015
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 7, 2012
Interviewer: Where were you born?
I: What state are you in now?
I: That's not what I meant.
M: I don't care.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) May 25, 2016
If I had to give my anxiety a number, it would be an irrational one
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 15, 2016
— Greg A. Bedard (@GregABedard) August 16, 2016
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 16, 2016
Sometimes I reply to a text instantly other times it's five months later at 1 am and I suddenly sit up in bed and still decide not to reply
— Anna Kathryn (@annakatmeow) August 16, 2016
JUDGE: How do you plead?
CRIMINAL: Like this… *gets down on knees and holds up hands*
JUDGE: Lmao did not see that coming, let this man go
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 18, 2016
what's up u goobers this is kanye west. brandon is frickin cool as heck. ok im giving him his phone back now
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) August 19, 2016
all i have's my honor
a tolerance for pain
a couple of college credits
& my anxious brain 😎
— emHERy lord (@emerylord) August 19, 2016
DOG 911: What's your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN IS EATING
DOG 911: You beg for the food?
DOG: YES BUT HE'S EATING IT ALL
DOG 911: OMG
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 20, 2016
Thanks very much for asking me to dread going to your event, but I'm already committed to dreading another event on that same day.
— Marly (@VerbsRProudest) August 20, 2016
My love for Arthur predates memes.
My love for Arthur is real.
My love for Arthur is never is never ending.
— Austin Hargrave (@PeanutButterGmr) August 21, 2016
michael phelps taught me how to stack my medals
— Simone Biles (@Simone_Biles) August 21, 2016
Me when I get a large guacamole all to myself pic.twitter.com/PpCYqPRDBL
— Molly Templeton (@mememolly) August 22, 2016
william tell: "do you know anywhere i can shoot this apple?"
son: "not off the top of my head"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) August 22, 2016