me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 26, 2016
i hav cat-like reflexes
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 3, 2015
If Facebook Was Real
me: cool shirt Brian
[hours later, a knock at my door]
me: um yes?
Brian's Mom: I also like that shirt
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 29, 2016
So excited for Halloween!
If my mom is reading this: So excited for Fall Festival!
— darias (@dariasalexandar) September 1, 2016
me: Jaws is on Netflix!
wife: We own Jaws
me: Yeah but now I don't have to get up to watch it
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 1, 2016
Breakfast should begin slowly and quietly around noon
— NYT Minus Context (@NYTMinusContext) September 3, 2016
every 48 hours a guy pulls a big lever at facebook that changes your "Recent Stories" view back to "Top Stories" & he drives a Tesla
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) September 3, 2016
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 4, 2016
[Files missing person report]
[Puts up flyers]
[Assembles search party]
Him: Wtf I've been home all weekend
Me: Oh, so you did get my text
— Yael (@elle91) September 5, 2016
Should I do something fun with my extra day off tomorrow or waste it like every day before it?
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) September 5, 2016
Me: It's really hot here.
Satan: It's a dry heat tho.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) September 5, 2016
someone: [explains something]
me: oh okay I understand that makes sense!
narrator: but they did not understand and it did not make sense
— Bwark… (@spicaterribIe) September 4, 2016
Does anyone else free in terror when they hear the sentence, "The election isn't REALLY going to kick in until after Labor Day."
— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) September 5, 2016
Son [at conclusion of lunch]: May I take the glasses?
Me: Why, yes, son. Thank you for helping.
Son: [pulls glasses off my face, walks away]
— Michael Magras (@michaelmagras) September 5, 2016
i got 99 problems but I solved like 70 of them wit coconut oil.
— Nahko (@NahkoBear) September 5, 2016