burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: "BARK BARK BARK BARK"
burglar: [strokes dog's head]
my dog: "i have misjudged this very nice man"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) December 22, 2015
[Batman at McDonald's]
What's your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015
[picks up crying baby]
it's ok buddy, when you grow up you'll learn how to do this on the inside
— Dylan (@dyldonot) January 28, 2015
Ladies, if a guy ever says you shouldn't wear yoga pants unless you do yoga, ask him how many mountains he's climbed in his North Face coat.
— Jon Acuff (@JonAcuff) September 15, 2016
sometimes I wish I could turn off retweets in real life to avoid listening to regurgitated opinions and unoriginal ideas
— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) September 15, 2016
— (((Loryn Brantz))) (@LorynBrantz) September 16, 2016
The Notebook is to love what McNuggets are to chicken.
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) September 17, 2016
I never learned how to blow dry my hair correctly, I just wave the dryer around near my head and hope for the best
— the girl wonder (@kateemick) September 17, 2016
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) September 18, 2016
ME: Nice to meet you, Mr. Ratt
CHRIS PRATT: Uh, it's "Pratt"
ME: Oh, that makes sense. I did think Chrisp was a weird first name.
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) September 18, 2016
Me: Listens to 3 hours of Skrillex
Me: Takes off headphones + goes to get food
My Brain: UNDAH DA SEA! UNDAH DA SEA! DOWN WHERE IT'S
— David Brown (@DavePBrown) September 19, 2016
ME: How much for two farmers?
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 19, 2016
Having a dog is a great way to prepare to never have children
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) September 20, 2016
Gandalf: this is my fight song
Boromir: not again
Gandalf: Gandalf the White song
— the library ghost (@SketchesbyBoze) September 20, 2016
RE: Brangelina, PLEASE RESPECT THEIR PUBLICITY DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 20, 2016