last month, I asked J if a plant in our yard was a weed.
"only if you don't like it," he said.
I have thought about that every day since.
— emery lord (@emerylord) July 11, 2016
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
— Saucy Kensington 🎃 (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015
[jesus noticeably walking into work 3 days late] sorry i'm late i died
— Jhorts (Juice Demon) (@JhonRules) May 28, 2016
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
— Ken FroBone (@fro_vo) November 29, 2015
They say video games make u violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just garbage
— beth loves ghosts,so (@bourgeoisalien) May 12, 2016
mom: Ready for your interview?
mom: How do you feel?
me: With my fingers
dad [from the kitchen] THAT'S MY BOY
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 12, 2016
Me filming: Well that was a lot of takes. I'm sure something useful's in there somewhere.
Me editing: YOU ONLY DID TWO AND BOTH ARE BAD.
— Joe WAFFLECONE Repp (@daJoezenOne) September 20, 2016
Black Forest Ham sounds way more mysterious than it needs to
— Kendrick Léblart (@Hamptonyount) September 20, 2016
did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA
— MAX IM A KOOPA (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016
I've had an amazing year and this wasn't it
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) September 22, 2016
ME: but wat im saying is wat if im the one unique person that functions better WITHOUT breakfast
HUSBAND: ur not
HUSBAND: ur not
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) September 23, 2016
american apparel models, while modeling: uugghhhh i hate modeling
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 23, 2016
Bob Ross: *draws a branch*
Bob Ross: *draws second branch* cause everyone needs a friend
me: *holding back tears* nice
— pvnkle (@pvnkle) September 24, 2016
when i'm the only one home and somebody knocks on the door, there's nobody home
— boo noodles 🎃🍜 (@idmangapasta) September 25, 2016
"Why am I not asleep?" he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 25, 2016