last month, I asked J if a plant in our yard was a weed.
"only if you don't like it," he said.
I have thought about that every day since.

— emery lord (@emerylord) July 11, 2016

WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.

— Saucy Kensington 🎃 (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015

[jesus noticeably walking into work 3 days late] sorry i'm late i died

— Jhorts (Juice Demon) (@JhonRules) May 28, 2016

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

— Ken FroBone (@fro_vo) November 29, 2015

They say video games make u violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just garbage

— beth loves ghosts,so (@bourgeoisalien) May 12, 2016

mom: Ready for your interview?
me: Yeah
mom: How do you feel?
me: With my fingers
dad [from the kitchen] THAT'S MY BOY

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 12, 2016

Me filming: Well that was a lot of takes. I'm sure something useful's in there somewhere.
Me editing: YOU ONLY DID TWO AND BOTH ARE BAD.

— Joe WAFFLECONE Repp (@daJoezenOne) September 20, 2016

Black Forest Ham sounds way more mysterious than it needs to

— Kendrick Léblart (@Hamptonyount) September 20, 2016

did…did he make the sign? pic.twitter.com/XXmuHfTIoA

— MAX IM A KOOPA (@meakoopa) September 22, 2016

I've had an amazing year and this wasn't it

— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) September 22, 2016

ME: but wat im saying is wat if im the one unique person that functions better WITHOUT breakfast
HUSBAND: ur not
ME: but–
HUSBAND: ur not

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) September 23, 2016

american apparel models, while modeling: uugghhhh i hate modeling

— tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 23, 2016

Bob Ross: *draws a branch*
me: nice
Bob Ross: *draws second branch* cause everyone needs a friend
me: *holding back tears* nice

— pvnkle (@pvnkle) September 24, 2016

when i'm the only one home and somebody knocks on the door, there's nobody home

— boo noodles 🎃🍜 (@idmangapasta) September 25, 2016

"Why am I not asleep?" he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 25, 2016