Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do it
Humans: I haven't even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 20, 2015
Shakespeare: I'll write my sadness into Hamlet
Picasso: I'll call this melancholy my Blue Period
Me: I'll watch Bridget Jones I guess
— claudia turner (@cloudypianos) September 17, 2016
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying
— ruined pumpkin (@ruinedpicnic) March 6, 2015
I call it a 'knife'
"Wow, that's the best thing since bread!"
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) August 6, 2015
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) September 28, 2010
"Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?" my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
— Johnny Rotting Norms (@Probgoblin) February 7, 2014
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What's their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2015
If trail mix was just m&ms I would buy it
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) June 10, 2014
The fear of being misunderstood is good only for giving you a window to think about your words, but should not make you silent.
— Caleb Davis (@trash_flower_) October 3, 2016
— Chaucer Doth Tweet (@LeVostreGC) October 1, 2016
Me: *makes a minor mistake*
My Brain, banging pots and pans together: THIS IS THE END THIS IS THE END THIS IS THE END
— Bustle (@bustle) September 29, 2016
I want it to be sweater weather so bad that I'm about to have a heat stroke from sitting in this sweatshirt.
— Michael Schaffer (@mchaelschaffer) September 28, 2016
I need at least 7-10 business days to prepare for unexpected situations.
— YaHell (@elle91) September 28, 2016