Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do it
Humans: I haven't even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 20, 2015

Shakespeare: I'll write my sadness into Hamlet

Picasso: I'll call this melancholy my Blue Period

Me: I'll watch Bridget Jones I guess

— claudia turner (@cloudypianos) September 17, 2016

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016

me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying

— ruined pumpkin (@ruinedpicnic) March 6, 2015

"What's that?"
I call it a 'knife'
"Wow, that's the best thing since bread!"
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) August 6, 2015

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) September 28, 2010

"Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?" my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

— Johnny Rotting Norms (@Probgoblin) February 7, 2014

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What's their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2015

If trail mix was just m&ms I would buy it

— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) June 10, 2014

The fear of being misunderstood is good only for giving you a window to think about your words, but should not make you silent.

— Caleb Davis (@trash_flower_) October 3, 2016

Jane Eyre
Jane Fyre
Jane Watyr
Jane Erthe

— Chaucer Doth Tweet (@LeVostreGC) October 1, 2016

Me: *makes a minor mistake*

My Brain, banging pots and pans together: THIS IS THE END THIS IS THE END THIS IS THE END

— Bustle (@bustle) September 29, 2016

I want it to be sweater weather so bad that I'm about to have a heat stroke from sitting in this sweatshirt.

— Michael Schaffer (@mchaelschaffer) September 28, 2016

I need at least 7-10 business days to prepare for unexpected situations.

— YaHell (@elle91) September 28, 2016