invented a pair of socks that cleans the floor as you walk. i call them… "socks"

— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 5, 2015

"Vine?" [takes long drag of cigarette] Now there's a name I haven't heard in a long t–" "Vine? [takes long drag of cigarette] Now there's a

— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) October 27, 2016

My husband asked me a question and then googled to see if my answer was right. This how murder mysteries begin.

— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) October 29, 2016

[to the tune of "Happy Birthday"] pay attention to me, pay attention to me

— Sam Escobar 👻 (@myhairisblue) October 30, 2016

[Halloween at my house]
Me: 'STOP BARKING AT THE TINY MONSTERS OUTSIDE THE DOOR!'
My Dog: THIS IS LITERALLY MY JOB I FEEL SO ALIVE

— Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) October 31, 2016

the conflict between porch light off to discourage trick-or-treaters and porch light on for pizza guy

— derek webb (@derekwebb) November 1, 2016