I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…
& then u no how it b
— Moxieblogger (@moxieblogger) March 11, 2013
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
— Le Bear Gizzard (@LeBearGirdle) October 22, 2016
I love you and hope your picture of a single leaf on the sidewalk does well on instagram.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) October 2, 2015
another day pretending to be vaguely optimistic about everything
— trajectory unknown (@trajectoryuk) November 1, 2016
I'm only afraid of 3 things, snakes, motorcycles & a "your friend is typing a comment" @facebook notification that lasts longer than 30secs.
— Lance Burson (@lanceburson) November 1, 2016
i just want to say that upon listening to the song, obviously beauty and the beast were "barely even friends" as he 100% held her captive
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) November 1, 2016
wheneber i eat a salad, i always save the meat for the very end to eat all in one giamt bite, for thabt is my reward
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) November 2, 2016
all these fools think they can write a whole novel when they don't even have the patience to write out "National Novel Writing Month" smh
— Jaron Kent-Dobias (@kentdobias) November 2, 2016
can't remember where my car is in this parking garage
CAN remember that weird thing I said to someone in third grade, why WHY— emHERy lord (@emerylord) November 3, 2016
me tryin to fit one more 50 min episode in but i gotta leave the house in 20 pic.twitter.com/hZLg8U5GkC
— drew (@twinkwars) November 5, 2016
"The Last Minute" is like 1,000x more productive than all minutes that precede it.
— Josh Taylor (@dearfuturejosh) November 6, 2016
Hard to believe that this election has only been going for 600 years.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 6, 2016
midwife: PUSH
wife: [screams]
me: you're doing great babe
midwife: get your hands off her tummy you idiot she's not a tube of toothpaste— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) November 7, 2016
So glad the dumb election is almost over so we can all move on to fighting and complaining about our elected president for the next 4 years.
— Jamie Wright (@JamieTheVWM) November 7, 2016
Ankle socks are a blessing until they fall off in your shoes.
— Susan 🎨 (@sansanray) November 8, 2016
Remember Twitter, NO SPOILERS. I don't have time to watch the election today but I'm grabbing it on my DVR for this weekend.
— Django Wexler (@DjangoWexler) November 8, 2016
