Days like today make me regret this daily blogging project, because I don’t really know what to say on days like today. I went to bed before the election results were called, but I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t believe the outcome! I wasn’t thrilled about either candidate, but I’d kinda braced myself for dealing with who I thought would win. I truly didn’t expect this result and so I’m having trouble imagining what the next four years might look like for this country.
My reaction makes it clear to me that my trust is misplaced. I need to spend some time recentering and reminding myself who is in control.
I hesitate to share all this publically, because I have dear family and friends on both sides of yesterday’s election results. I’m not trying to draw a line between myself and anyone else. It’s hard to witness such anger and vitriol being slung around online as a result of the election.. among friends! Among family members! I decided pretty quickly this morning that I wasn’t going to participate today, not even as an observer. So I’ve spent the day away from the internet completely. I even deleted my twitter and facebook apps from my phone. (WHAT?? NO!) (Yes, it’s true.) I’ll come back when I’m not so depressed about the whole thing. (That’s allowed, by the way. If you find yourself overwhelmed, you can turn it off without any guilt.)
I woke up this morning feeling terrible not only because of the election but also because yesterday was personally difficult for me.. my body reacted to all the stress with an anxiety hangover that’s left me still feeling pretty rough.
Yesterday’s appointment was my first time to see a gastroenterologist in four years. I haven’t seen a specialist regularly in probably eight years. As someone with Crohn’s disease, I should’ve never stopped going! I should’ve never let all the bad experiences I’ve had with arrogant, condescending, dismissive, and physically rough doctors keep me from searching until I found a doctor who was kind and gentle and actually cared about me. I mean, that’s not too much to ask, is it? I used to think it was. But, like my new doctor said to me yesterday, “This is America! You’re not stuck with a doctor you don’t like just because you walked into their office.” By the way, she was wonderful. I couldn’t believe how good I felt walking out of her office.. even after she’d given me bad news!
Yes, bad news. I expected it, so I had already dealt with most of my feelings (which was a good thing because we ended up needing to stick around so they could run a couple tests on me. That would’ve been harder if I’d been a blubbering mess). The short story is this: I need surgery, and soon. I’m meeting a surgeon in a couple weeks, and I’ll probably spend this holiday season recovering (assuming he can fit me into his schedule before the end of the year). It’ll likely be a simple, outpatient procedure, but it’ll definitely be a really rough recovery. I had to go through a similar surgery four years ago, and oh my word… the weeks following were awful. I don’t rememember much, but I do remember lots of pain, lots of drug-induced sleeping, and lots of crying.
I wonder if I am I being too open? I don’t really know what to say about it all. I’ve been open so far about telling y’all when I have doctor’s appointments and when I’m not feeling well. I don’t want to share every little detail, but I do want y’all praying for me, haha.
My parents got back from their last-ever work tour today. Dad switched jobs within the company so that he and Mom wouldn’t have to travel so much anymore. The tours are really hard on Mom. I am thrilled that she doesn’t have to do that anymore. It’s complicated, of course.. I LOVE having my parents in town, but when they’re in town I’m acutely aware of how much I’m NOT helping out. How unreliable I am because of my health. Honestly, this is a big motivator in getting myself back into a medical doctor’s care. If I can get my health under control, I can be a better support to the people around me – not just mom and dad, but everyone.
This post feels like a therapy session, haha. Hope you enjoyed this peek into my brain. Hope you’re finding some personal peace in the midst of a chaotic time. Let’s all be kind to each other, can we please?