Sad and Boring

Man, all week I’ve just felt pretty rough. Every day I wake up feeling a little bit worse. I wish I could snap my fingers and skip the next two months! Just snap my fingers and be mostly recovered from surgery and on a new Crohn’s medication that keeps my symptoms under control. Sure, I’d miss Christmas, but to be honest with you that would be a small price to pay. I’d happily trade Christmas for good health. Heck, I’m already having to miss out on my extended family’s big family reunion/Thanksgiving celebration because of this stupid disease. I’m tired of missing out on things and I’m tired of living from my bed.

I’m afraid that maybe I’m putting too much hope in this surgery fixing everything. After all, I had a similar surgery four years ago, yet here I am again. But THIS time will be DIFFERENT, I keep telling myself. This time I’m fully invested in long-term treatment. I’m no longer under any delusions that I can manage this on my own.. I’ve tried! And it’s time to call it: I’ve failed. I need medical help. I know cognitively that there’s no shame in that, but I still kinda feel like it’s some kind of moral failure on my part. That’s absurd, right!? I have a disease. I would never think that of anyone else with medical problems. In fact, I’d cheer them on in their medical journey. Ugh. The human psyche is so weird.

I’m sorry that this blog post is sad and boring but that’s kinda where I am right now: sad and bored.

Let’s end on a positive note though, shall we? Today I was able to help shoot Monday’s video and I had fun with my scenes despite the pain I was in. Sometimes I can’t get out of my own head, but tonight I was able to for a few minutes and that was really nice. 🙂

Hrmmmm…… ok goodnight. I’m sure everything will look better in the light of day, after a good night’s sleep. See y’all tomorrow.

14 thoughts on “Sad and Boring

  1. I get the human psyche being weird. I struggle with feeling guilty about stuff that I know logically isn’t sinful–like listening to sermons as I go to sleep. By now I’m sure you’re thinking something along the lines of, “Yeah, that’s weird.” But I just wanted you to know that I really get that it can be hard to believe what your brain knows is true when your feelings are strongly saying otherwise. I hope you feel better soon girl. Much love and you’re in my prayers.

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  2. Also, those little moments of peace in a mentally and/or emotionally chaotic day can be such blessings. They’re like a much needed deep breath of fresh air. I’m so thankful for God’s little moments that add up to be big deals.

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  3. Thank you for sharing this. I am also facing an impending operation, and I can definitely relate to this post. I hope you get well soon.

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  4. No apologies needed. If you feel like crap physically and mentally, you feel like crap. In my personal opinion, if one “owns” the issue that is stressing them out, they have a better chance of feeling better from the support one gets IRL and on-line.

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  5. Failure? You’re not failing at all, you’re battling like a trooper! To fail is to lose, to give up and admit defeat. But here you are, fighting back. I’d say you’re not failing, you’re inspiring! Thank you 👍🏻

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  6. I think I can relate a little. I was diagnosed with diabetes 2 years ago, and my psyche has been all over the place. A ridiculous number of people in my family have it and it’s been that way for as long as I can remember. Growing up surrounded by it, and watching others manage it has sort of desensitized me to it, and I always suspected I would be diagnosed “someday.”

    When my doctor said the words “you are diabetic,” all the desensitization went out the window and I felt like a failure for having a disease. Until it was me, I never thought of diabetes as a disease, but more of a condition that could be prevented or cured. I feel like the average person probably thinks that as well, so I was even embarrassed by it. I think it’s generally true that people don’t really understand most things unless they have experienced it for themselves, and I try to remember that.

    Since I’ve only been dealing with diabetes for a couple of years, I can’t imagine the frustration of how long you have been struggling. I certainly believe you are a stronger person than I. ❤ I'll be thinking and praying about you.

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  7. I totally get the human psyche is weird thing. I’m really overweight and I feel like that devalues me somehow. Yet there are people I adore and value a great deal who are even bigger than I am. I never think about their weight but I am always worrying about mine.

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  8. I know you are that hospital today and so I decided to read your blog and catch up while you are there. I pray deeply for healing on your body and that YES, it WILL be different than 4 years ago. . .with the greatest results ever!! May God hear your cry and respond with love in your benefit!!!

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