Man, all week I’ve just felt pretty rough. Every day I wake up feeling a little bit worse. I wish I could snap my fingers and skip the next two months! Just snap my fingers and be mostly recovered from surgery and on a new Crohn’s medication that keeps my symptoms under control. Sure, I’d miss Christmas, but to be honest with you that would be a small price to pay. I’d happily trade Christmas for good health. Heck, I’m already having to miss out on my extended family’s big family reunion/Thanksgiving celebration because of this stupid disease. I’m tired of missing out on things and I’m tired of living from my bed.
I’m afraid that maybe I’m putting too much hope in this surgery fixing everything. After all, I had a similar surgery four years ago, yet here I am again. But THIS time will be DIFFERENT, I keep telling myself. This time I’m fully invested in long-term treatment. I’m no longer under any delusions that I can manage this on my own.. I’ve tried! And it’s time to call it: I’ve failed. I need medical help. I know cognitively that there’s no shame in that, but I still kinda feel like it’s some kind of moral failure on my part. That’s absurd, right!? I have a disease. I would never think that of anyone else with medical problems. In fact, I’d cheer them on in their medical journey. Ugh. The human psyche is so weird.
I’m sorry that this blog post is sad and boring but that’s kinda where I am right now: sad and bored.
Let’s end on a positive note though, shall we? Today I was able to help shoot Monday’s video and I had fun with my scenes despite the pain I was in. Sometimes I can’t get out of my own head, but tonight I was able to for a few minutes and that was really nice. 🙂
Hrmmmm…… ok goodnight. I’m sure everything will look better in the light of day, after a good night’s sleep. See y’all tomorrow.