— Will Arnett™ (@arnettwill) December 18, 2016
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
— Meowrin (@marinhubka) December 20, 2014
It's okay, little checkbook.
I'm unbalanced too.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) August 4, 2015
I like to pretend “af” means “as foretold" because it only ups the badassery of the sentence & also means we millennials are prophetic af.
— Kathryn Ormsbee (@Kathsby) December 12, 2016
When you feel lowkey salty because a group didn't ask you to join, but also you really don't want to join them anyways
— ☃️Fa la la la Lily🎄 (@lrw1219) December 12, 2016
sucks that after living all the way to 93 people stop wishing you a merry christmas
— Daniel Quay (@danielevanquay) December 14, 2016
The more confused I become by Hot Topic the closer I feel to adulthood.
— melanie anne ahern (@mel0n_knee) December 15, 2016
The ppl who insist u say happy holidays instead of merry christmas are just trying to Police Navidad. thanks
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) December 15, 2016
Trick to staying warm in winter: LAYERS.
First layer: Sweater.
Second layer: Coat.
Third layer: House.
— Rebecca Lindenbach (@LifeAsADare) December 16, 2016
he told me he "needed space" but wouldnt even come see star wars with me?? how much more space do you need ugh
— Leah Boyd (@leahboyd7) December 16, 2016
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
— Anna Maree ❄️️ (@rxysurfchic) December 17, 2016
WHAT YOU PUT IN YOUR NETFLIX QUEUE = How you see yourself. WHAT YOU WIND UP WATCHING = Who you are.
— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) December 17, 2016
Every state thinks it has the weirdest weather. Maybe weather is just weird, y’all.
— Sarah Orsborn (@erniebufflo) December 18, 2016
People be surprised when I tell em I have a 4.0 GPA while working & maintaining an active social life, but anything is possible when you lie
— David (@davidboomin) December 18, 2016
You're never fully dressed without a smile – and pants. Please also put some pants on.
— Brad Montague (@thebradmontague) December 18, 2016
Seems like I always run into someone I know at the grocery store when I'm just trying to stick googly eyes on the pomegranates
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) December 18, 2016
"Haha this is a funny thought [you see the name of the person who posted it & you dont like them] actually, it's bad."
-you, me, all of us
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) December 18, 2016
me to my anxiety: people are focused on themselves. they're not thinking about you
me: that's not what i meant
— jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) December 18, 2016
Update: watching an entire episode of a TV show without looking at your phone now counts as reading a book.
— Christian Hoard (@christianhoard) December 19, 2016
How do you get out of bed when bed is warm and floor is not?
— Tessa Violet it snow (@meekakitty) December 19, 2016