[showing our new baby]
WIFE: He has my eyes
ME: And my nose
GIMLI: AND MY AXE!
ME (to wife): Honey I thought we agreed, family only

— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) July 5, 2016

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) February 15, 2016

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 16, 2016

Time to play a game called Am I Sick OR Did I Eat A Bad Thing?

— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) December 20, 2016

I had to stop seeing the girl I've been dating for 3 weeks cause it turns out she's a communist. There were so many red flags

— Evan Edinger (@EvanEdinger) December 20, 2016

All I want for Christmas… is for Twitter to stop showing me stuff I may have missed while I was away. I'm perfectly capable of scrolling.

— Brady Haran (@BradyHaran) December 21, 2016

Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over.

— Christopher (@ChrisWrighteous) December 21, 2016

Is Kevin Mccallister the ultimate introvert?
+ happy home alone
+ wishes everyone would disappear
+ sets elaborate traps to keep people away

— Brad Montague (@thebradmontague) December 21, 2016

🎶he sees u when ur sleeping🎶
🎁he knows when ur awake🎁
🎄I know that's kinda creepy🎄
🎅but who cares? santa's fake🎅

— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) December 21, 2016

that’s what christmas is all about, charlie brown pic.twitter.com/IWtT7xrCUh

— derek webb (@derekwebb) December 21, 2016

"Man its a new year new me"
Me on January 1st: pic.twitter.com/r2102aYbKe

— The King of Numbers (@khristen) December 22, 2016

if you imagine "wtf" standing for "wow, that's fascinating" it makes everyone sound more introspective and contemplative

— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) December 24, 2016

pic.twitter.com/nubjsO45tx

— Sarah Andersen (@SarahCAndersen) December 24, 2016

A baby lying in a manger? I LITERALLY LOST MY MIND when I saw this. #christmasclickbait

— Audrey Assad (@audreyassad) December 25, 2016

Kids
"Socks? For Christmas?"
Adults
"SOCKS? YES. I HAVE ONLY ONE SOCK LEFT AND IT'S HELD TOGETHER WITH TAPE I SHALL TREASURE THESE FOREVER"

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) December 25, 2016

Pro-tip: the only person allowed to say "it could be worse" is the person going through the thing.

— Lauren Morrill (@LaurenEMorrill) December 26, 2016

Saddest tweets to tweet. Mommy is gone. I love you @carrieffisher

— Carrie Fisher's Dog (@Gary_TheDog) December 27, 2016