[showing our new baby]
WIFE: He has my eyes
ME: And my nose
GIMLI: AND MY AXE!
ME (to wife): Honey I thought we agreed, family only
— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) July 5, 2016
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
American: no u
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) February 15, 2016
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 16, 2016
Time to play a game called Am I Sick OR Did I Eat A Bad Thing?
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) December 20, 2016
I had to stop seeing the girl I've been dating for 3 weeks cause it turns out she's a communist. There were so many red flags
— Evan Edinger (@EvanEdinger) December 20, 2016
All I want for Christmas… is for Twitter to stop showing me stuff I may have missed while I was away. I'm perfectly capable of scrolling.
— Brady Haran (@BradyHaran) December 21, 2016
Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over.
— Christopher (@ChrisWrighteous) December 21, 2016
Is Kevin Mccallister the ultimate introvert?
+ happy home alone
+ wishes everyone would disappear
+ sets elaborate traps to keep people away
— Brad Montague (@thebradmontague) December 21, 2016
🎶he sees u when ur sleeping🎶
🎁he knows when ur awake🎁
🎄I know that's kinda creepy🎄
🎅but who cares? santa's fake🎅
— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) December 21, 2016
that’s what christmas is all about, charlie brown pic.twitter.com/IWtT7xrCUh
— derek webb (@derekwebb) December 21, 2016
"Man its a new year new me"
Me on January 1st: pic.twitter.com/r2102aYbKe
— The King of Numbers (@khristen) December 22, 2016
if you imagine "wtf" standing for "wow, that's fascinating" it makes everyone sound more introspective and contemplative
— Adler Davidson (@adlerdavidson) December 24, 2016
A baby lying in a manger? I LITERALLY LOST MY MIND when I saw this. #christmasclickbait
— Audrey Assad (@audreyassad) December 25, 2016
"Socks? For Christmas?"
"SOCKS? YES. I HAVE ONLY ONE SOCK LEFT AND IT'S HELD TOGETHER WITH TAPE I SHALL TREASURE THESE FOREVER"
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) December 25, 2016
Pro-tip: the only person allowed to say "it could be worse" is the person going through the thing.
— Lauren Morrill (@LaurenEMorrill) December 26, 2016
Saddest tweets to tweet. Mommy is gone. I love you @carrieffisher
— Carrie Fisher's Dog (@Gary_TheDog) December 27, 2016