Sure glad this is just written in my comment section…and not the book of life. pic.twitter.com/U8s7CEEno0

— Kevin McCreary (@goodnightkev) December 20, 2016

Me on food network:
"I made a puréed nut spread w/ a grape relish reduction paired w/ brioche bun" pic.twitter.com/rZFDjISYoL

— Akilah Releford (@Akiladahun1) August 11, 2016

i hate when people ask me what ima be doing in 3 years.. like cmon guys i dont have 2020 vision pic.twitter.com/Dwv6dvbKHe

— chanel (@hslaurent) January 2, 2017

omg how did u know leaving me alone is one of my love languages

— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) January 3, 2017

9 out of 10 people can't tell the difference between these photos pic.twitter.com/LILsReWYyS

— Katie The Human ✨ (@TippyKatie) January 4, 2017

"tell me some really meaningful song lyrics" pic.twitter.com/xe5Obfeap1

— milli (@linksprettyeyes) January 6, 2017

People are like snowflakes: inconvenient in large numbers.

— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) January 7, 2017

Studying casino blueprints before the heist except it's the brunch menu and I'm searching for the most inventive eggs

— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 8, 2017

*procrastinates from doing chores by doing other chores*

— Grace Teraberry (@grace_teraberry) January 8, 2017

"how come every other organ in your body can get sick and you get sympathy, except the brain?"
– ruby wax

— melanie anne ahern (@mel0n_knee) January 8, 2017

*Has literally done nothing all day*

*Goes to bed*

*Head hits the pillow*

*Eyes snap open*

"ALL THE THINGS!!!"

— Michael Erhart (@Michael_Erhart) January 9, 2017

12 year old boy Matteo has formed a friendship with this colony of marmots near Grossglockner in the Austrian Alps. https://t.co/dzfpsb7Xoj pic.twitter.com/Ep0fbakbrB

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) January 9, 2017

It's amazing how breakfast in bed can be fancy or sad.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) January 9, 2017

age 16: stuffing handfuls of potato chips into my mouth

age 26: stuffing handfuls of organic coconut bites with chia seeds into my mouth

— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) January 9, 2017

"Here. It's your problem now." -leaf blowers everywhere.

— Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) January 9, 2017

I don't know how anyone has the energy to commit a crime in winter. Aren't you cold? Just go home.

— Bri Lamkin (@brnnlmkn) January 9, 2017