Sure glad this is just written in my comment section…and not the book of life. pic.twitter.com/U8s7CEEno0
— Kevin McCreary (@goodnightkev) December 20, 2016
Me on food network:
"I made a puréed nut spread w/ a grape relish reduction paired w/ brioche bun" pic.twitter.com/rZFDjISYoL
— Akilah Releford (@Akiladahun1) August 11, 2016
i hate when people ask me what ima be doing in 3 years.. like cmon guys i dont have 2020 vision pic.twitter.com/Dwv6dvbKHe
— chanel (@hslaurent) January 2, 2017
omg how did u know leaving me alone is one of my love languages
— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) January 3, 2017
9 out of 10 people can't tell the difference between these photos pic.twitter.com/LILsReWYyS
— Katie The Human ✨ (@TippyKatie) January 4, 2017
"tell me some really meaningful song lyrics" pic.twitter.com/xe5Obfeap1
— milli (@linksprettyeyes) January 6, 2017
People are like snowflakes: inconvenient in large numbers.
— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) January 7, 2017
Studying casino blueprints before the heist except it's the brunch menu and I'm searching for the most inventive eggs
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 8, 2017
*procrastinates from doing chores by doing other chores*
— Grace Teraberry (@grace_teraberry) January 8, 2017
"how come every other organ in your body can get sick and you get sympathy, except the brain?"
– ruby wax
— melanie anne ahern (@mel0n_knee) January 8, 2017
*Has literally done nothing all day*
*Goes to bed*
*Head hits the pillow*
*Eyes snap open*
"ALL THE THINGS!!!"
— Michael Erhart (@Michael_Erhart) January 9, 2017
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) January 9, 2017
It's amazing how breakfast in bed can be fancy or sad.
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) January 9, 2017
age 16: stuffing handfuls of potato chips into my mouth
age 26: stuffing handfuls of organic coconut bites with chia seeds into my mouth
— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) January 9, 2017
"Here. It's your problem now." -leaf blowers everywhere.
— Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) January 9, 2017
I don't know how anyone has the energy to commit a crime in winter. Aren't you cold? Just go home.
— Bri Lamkin (@brnnlmkn) January 9, 2017