Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

This week’s list of tweets is a little shorter than usual because I haven’t been spending as much time on twitter lately. That’s probably good for me, but it’s not great for Tweets of the Week, haha. Oh well, here are some funny tweets: invented a pair of socks that cleans the floor as you walk.…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

No way I'm letting this doctor do surgery on me. He can't even turn a tap off with his hands. — Kat Meringue (@Izianikapani) March 8, 2015 What kind of fruit is this pic.twitter.com/ePkzmRz1GN — lainy❥ (@summerstarstyle) October 19, 2016 Watching the debate tonight is basically the same as watching your least favorite movie of…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

Salmon shorts are high in omega 3 fratty acids — festive V cardholder (@lil_aracuan) August 20, 2012 I was trying to Google why this dog I'm watching pants so much and now it doesn't even matter pic.twitter.com/rJFgSsCwTO — Yael (@elle91) August 8, 2016 Cinderella is a story about a woman who cleans up good who…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

*watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this." — Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016 *Checks out grocery item*Grocery item: "I have a boyfriend." — Michael Erhart (@Michael_Erhart) May 22, 2015 As a kid I used to think it was weird…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

Humans: Okay, soDog Negotiator: YesHumans: UhDog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do itHumans: I haven't evenDog Negotiator: I love you — Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 20, 2015 Shakespeare: I'll write my sadness into Hamlet Picasso: I'll call this melancholy my Blue Period Me: I'll watch Bridget Jones I guess — claudia turner (@cloudypianos) September 17, 2016 I…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

last month, I asked J if a plant in our yard was a weed."only if you don't like it," he said.I have thought about that every day since. — emery lord (@emerylord) July 11, 2016 WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

burglar: [breaks into house]my dog: "BARK BARK BARK BARK"burglar: [strokes dog's head]my dog: "i have misjudged this very nice man" — k e e t (@KeetPotato) December 22, 2015 [Batman at McDonald's]What's your chicken sandwich called?-A McChickenAnd the rib?-A McRib[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015 [picks up…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party. — Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) October 13, 2011 Me: I know you from somewhere Jesus: I get that a lot Me: no I'm sure Jesus: just one of those faces Me: [holding…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES — spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 26, 2016 i hav cat-like reflexes"prove it"*looks at a cat*(instantly) i like that cat — jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 3, 2015 If Facebook Was Real me: cool shirt BrianBrian: thanks [hours later,…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

I invented a dance style called 'The Gif' where I do the same 7 seconds of choppy moves over and over again in a loop — ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) August 22, 2016 lil YouTube confession literally every creator is convinced their channel is dying and their content isn't good enough — dodie (@doddleoddle)…