Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

Humans: Okay, soDog Negotiator: YesHumans: UhDog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do itHumans: I haven't evenDog Negotiator: I love you — Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 20, 2015 Shakespeare: I'll write my sadness into Hamlet Picasso: I'll call this melancholy my Blue Period Me: I'll watch Bridget Jones I guess — claudia turner (@cloudypianos) September 17, 2016 I…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

last month, I asked J if a plant in our yard was a weed."only if you don't like it," he said.I have thought about that every day since. — emery lord (@emerylord) July 11, 2016 WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

burglar: [breaks into house]my dog: "BARK BARK BARK BARK"burglar: [strokes dog's head]my dog: "i have misjudged this very nice man" — k e e t (@KeetPotato) December 22, 2015 [Batman at McDonald's]What's your chicken sandwich called?-A McChickenAnd the rib?-A McRib[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015 [picks up…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party. — Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) October 13, 2011 Me: I know you from somewhere Jesus: I get that a lot Me: no I'm sure Jesus: just one of those faces Me: [holding…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES — spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 26, 2016 i hav cat-like reflexes"prove it"*looks at a cat*(instantly) i like that cat — jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 3, 2015 If Facebook Was Real me: cool shirt BrianBrian: thanks [hours later,…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

I invented a dance style called 'The Gif' where I do the same 7 seconds of choppy moves over and over again in a loop — ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) August 22, 2016 lil YouTube confession literally every creator is convinced their channel is dying and their content isn't good enough — dodie (@doddleoddle)…

Tweets of the Week

My Favorite Tweets This Week

Computer: Do you trust this device?Me: Why? Is there something you're not telling me? — The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 29, 2016 It is crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy is it. — LilRedRiding (@illzme) October 16, 2015 I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the…